Dear Porn Industry ... Can we talk?

(Note: I do not have this boyfriend anymore. Thanks.)

You. Are. Lying. To. My. Boyfriend.

And all men, in general.

The perfect woman is not, in fact, a ridiculously busty, 47” bubble-butt sporting, walking cosmetics counter who can turn her vagina into a super soaker on cue and keep all her orifices open for business 24/7 in any situation and location – regardless of relationship status. And ‘MILFs’ don’t walk around wearing pull-away lingerie, a thong or bikini while doing housework –you can bet if I’m doing any kind of domesticated shit, the offer of a game of poker with a penis isn’t going to deter me from the task at hand until it is finished. The perfect woman is me, and other women like me: working class chicks who have day jobs, kids and responsibilities - but can still maintain a certain amount of sexy.

I watch porn and I have no problem with my boyfriend’s iPorn collection or the fact that he has more photos of Flower Tucci, Druuna, and other big butt honeys in his phone album than he has of me. He recently left for an all expense paid, extended vacation to the FOB resort with about 320gigs of porn and five action flicks. “Backdraft,” “Point Break,” “Smokin’ Aces,” “300,” and “Rock’N’Rolla” were nestled in next to such titles as “The Milfy Way,” “Big Wet Asses volumes 1-23,” “The Hills Have Thighs,” “Missionary Position: Impossible,” “Porn Fidelity,” “American Booty” and “The DaVinci Load.”  Kudos on the title creativity, by the way.

But you’re misrepresenting the housewife, professional, and the MILF by showing us as nymphomaniacal sex-kitties waiting to fulfill our men’s celluloid fantasies. Porn is like the WWF – fake. I think that as an industry, you should be responsible and place a disclaimer at the beginning of all your films. Maybe right after all the legal stuff, you can boldly remind dudes that all the chicks involved were paid a hefty amount of money to ‘like’ getting used like a blow-up doll, allowing things to be not so gently placed where nothing should go and smile when receiving the money shot – in their eye. No one likes that. But maybe we’d take it like a champ, too, if we were getting paid some serious cash – AND we’d even pretend to like it, just like a porn star.

I don’t sleep in a thong and peephole nightie. If I wake up with a penis in my face, my first thought isn’t to fellate it – it’s to roll over and complete my eight hours of sleep so that I can make it through an eight hour workday, come home, cook, clean, rub my man’s aching muscles he flexed in the gym and try to steal five minutes of cuddle time – and that’s before I get a shower. When I wake up in the morning, my hair looks like it’s been through a wind tunnel and my face like I got punched in the eyes. Yes, I see the look of disappointment when my man realizes that no matter which angle he catches me in at 5 a.m., I will not look like one of his iPorn honeys. I won’t even begin to look normal until I’ve had a shower and a meeting with the make-up bag in my bathroom.

Which is another thing. Do you know that I would suffocate the pores on my face wearing the exact amount of special FX make-up that your version of me wears in films? I say special FX because, no matter how rough the sex is, or how sweat drenched the actors are, the make-up doesn’t run. Let me tell you - after that much physical activity, my face looks like I’ve made out with a clown and it’s not sexy.

Another service to me, and all women, would be to put out a ‘porn secrets’ video explaining some of the special effects used in porn that men might not understand in their persistence to have us recreate – like ‘squirting.’  Women don’t squirt, they pee or, as I found out with iGoogle, fill their holy of holies up with water and push it out on cue like a super soaker.

Speaking of all things down there, real women are not all perfectly shaved, they don’t bleach their butt holes and don’t have smooth, pimple free ass cheeks all the time. I have a job, a working class bank account, a kid and responsibilities that I gotta take care of; I don’t have time or energy, to turn myself into a walking sex-doll every night. I shave with my boyfriend’s razor (it works better), exfoliate and moisturize the girly bits, and hope I don’t get razor burn or ingrown hairs right before my boyfriend sees it. I sport a five o’clock vag-shadow most days out of the week because I’m too tired to clean it up. Why don’t you show that in one of your movies? Slightly less glam, huh?

And don’t get me started on size G-for-ginormous, gravity defying boobs and 47-inch buffet table asses. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never look like a porn star unless I shell out some serious cash or photoshop the hell out of some self-portraits. I’m good with that. Just think that the industry could soften the blow by showing real women some love. I know you already have a section for that – amateur porn – but perhaps take your glamour lighting to some 'amateur' stuff and then I could catch a break and not feel like I’m competing with an ideal I won’t ever have the energy meet.

By the way, one other small request: I watch – and like – porn. But, it’s getting harder and harder (no pun intended) for me to find any videos that interest me. It all starts out somewhat normal enough (for porn), a little cheesy with the set-up and acting (but I fast forward through all that anyway), then it goes from vaginal to - anal? Yeah, so not a turn on. I don’t want to see that and I don’t want to have to check out old-school videos to get what I want because that leads to the other part of my request. Can you please remove Ron Jeremy and the old, skinny Cuban dude from all past, present and future porn? They are not attractive and neither are their manly bits. It’s like you sneak them into the middle of a perfectly good set and you mess up my rhythm. If it’s a fetish, like bondage, GILF porn or bestiality, it should be packaged that way so I don’t accidentally pick it up.

So, give us real women some love, put out a large print disclaimer for dudes, stop it with the over-abundance of anal scenes and take out the gross guys, okay? Thanks.

Yours truly,

Concerned real woman who cleans up nicely