An open letter to Demi Moore

Dear Demi,
So, your boy-husband left you after eight years of marriage and is hooking up with a new chick who is closer to his age - which means she's younger than you.

Sucks, doesn't it? Devastating, even.

After all those years of being with you, pretend-loving you and, let's face it, cheating on you - what? you didn't think it was only one time, did you? - he moved on so fast. All you want to feel is that your time together meant something to him.

Newsflash: it didn't mean as much to him. If it did, he wouldn't have boffed a chick on your anniversary.

So, get over it already, it's been almost a year.

I feel for you, I really do, because I've been where you are right now - several times, in fact. It doesn't get easier. No, I'm not your age yet but I have a rule that my boyfriends can't be more than nine years younger than me, and guys like Asshole Kutcher come in all ages. I like to call that demographic of men douchebags. They seldom change, even with age. At some point, they either get tired of trying so hard to get laid or notice their looks are fading, girls aren't biting anymore and decide that settling down is the only way to guaranteed vagina.

But I digress ...

Take a look at yourself; what you are doing so publicly isn't classy. You're in the news for a breakdown over a boy. Rehab? For what? I doubt his semen was made of cocaine and I'm sure you convinced yourself his penis was bigger and better than any other that you've ever had even though we both know it really wasn't.

You want him to remember you as a woman who respects herself and doesn't pine over someone so undeserving. A classy woman who doesn't destroy herself over a man who is clearly not interested in her anymore.You want him to look back with a pang of regret when all his other relationships fail or he ends up in a passionless coupling with a starlet who is - well, who is not you.

Which brings me back to the main point: He poked a slutty vag on your anniversary!

He basically took a gigantic poop on you, your kids and your entire relationship with that one move. You should be getting divorced and moving on - not throwing yourself a self-pity party every day hoping he will realize how miserable he really is without you - because he won't.Right now, you are validating his reason for not sticking around.

Seriously, is this the kind of guy you want your daughters to look up to? And what kind of example are you setting for them? Do you want your girls to believe it's okay for a man to treat them like they are worthless?

The best revenge is moving on and living your life like he never existed - even if it's on the outside. You would be doing two things with that plan of action: 1) Remembering yourself and your worth and 2) showing any chick that comes after you that he's not worth pining over.

We all know that the more you throw a pissing fit over a man, every other girl will want him. If you, an American icon, don't want him, why would any other self-respecting chick? Right now, his new girl is latched on tighter than a hooker with a dollar bill because she thinks she has something amazing. There is nothing amazing about a man who cheats on his wife, family and girlfriend - no matter what the reason.

Personally, I think you should still be with Bruce Willis. He aged well. Asston isn't going to age well. He has very feminine features and a weak jaw line. You want a manly looking man, not a skinny-fat, can't sport a sexy 5 o'clock shadow because puberty skipped him, prick.

Be an inspiration to women who are rebounding from bad break-ups - or at least to your daughters. I know, it's hard to be strong sometimes, but find your strength in your family, friends and retail therapy.

God knows that if I had the cash to spend myself happy, it wouldn't have taken me as long as it did to get over some break-ups - and I wouldn't have re-dated some of my exes.

Here's hoping you find your self-respect, pride and dignity, and pull your shit together soon.

Much love,
Dawn

An open letter to Taylor Swift

"The funniest part is that she's not even 18; she's 24," ~ K.E. 

Dear Taylor Swift,

I saw your performance during the Grammy's. Cute. I'm also now looking at an article on you and your newest Brit singer-beau. Really? Does he know he's just a draft for another song for your new album? 

I’m a reluctant fan. I will admit that your post-break up tunes are rather catchy and as long as I listen to them in moderation, I won’t puke – much. I’ve even been known to belt out one or two of your tunes in a drunken fit of karaoke.

FYI: I wouldn’t encourage that in a biker bar, they don’t like that.

But I digress.

We’ve all had our fair share of break-ups. As a matter of fact, I can count mine on two hands and still have digits left. For 39 years old, I consider that having a modest dating career – with the longest being 8 years. 

Not all of the experiences were good and one in particular was pretty emotionally damaging. But I try to find the lesson and humor in every situation before I exploit the hell out of my experiences in an emotionally charged, semi-autobiographical (if not anonymous) blog entry that isn’t meant so much for revenge as it is a release of pent up frustration and heartbreak.

After everything, though, here is what I learned: I am not always the victim.

I am also sorry to point out that neither are you and you should probably come to that realization, too, before you go down in history as the ‘crazy boy lady.’ You can't be 18 forever and at some point, you and your music have to mature. As a role model to young tweenage girls, consider it your civic duty. Besides, airing your dirty laundry in song, while garnering you platinum album fame, isn’t convincing anyone that you’re mature.

Seriously, at just 24 years old your list of former flames rivals an escort’s client list. Am I exaggerating? I don’t know, how many albums have you put out with how many songs about how many break-ups? I can’t count all of those on my fingers and toes.

Here’s something else you should consider: Maybe you think exploiting your exes by writing some catchy, pop tunes is the best revenge. Calling attention to how many guys dumped or cheated on you is kind of a warning to other guys you may want to date someday – whittling your pool of prospects to those who need the publicity to jumpstart their careers. Plus, let’s face it; none of those guys in your past heard any of your songs and thought, “wow, did I screw up.”

Look, there are only so many boy pop bands and you’re going through them rather quickly. Eventually, you won’t have a break-up to write about. I think it’s time you turned your songwriting efforts to appeal to a wider range of teenage angst drama - like partying, waking up feeling like P-Diddy, shopping and being the bad-ass chick who does the heartbreaking. There’s a whole demographic – and several more platinum album opps – you can exploit.

Remember, this biz is all about creating longevity in your career. When it comes down to it, do you really want to be known as the ‘hang-and-banger’ – the chick who hangs out with a guy only to bang out a song victimizing herself in the hopes of teaching him a lesson. Because in the end, once it’s over, he really doesn’t care  because the intent was to “never, ever get back together.”

Sincerely,

Chick Norris