It’s fast approaching one of the most popular ‘holidays’ of the year: All Ho’s Eve – I mean, All Hallows Eve … or Halloween. As a kid, I remember dressing up on Halloween and going door to door to ask stranger neighbors for candy without getting in trouble. As an adult, I see Halloween from a different perspective. It’s not about trick or treating for cavities, scary movies and haunted houses. Now, it’s all about exhibitionism and boy do people love to put what they have – be it just enough, not enough or too much – on display.
See, Halloween is like a free pass for chicks to wear the Frederick’s of Hollywood version of their fave Disney princess, superheroine, uniformed occupation or generic hottie in public and not get arrested for hooking. And every guy looks forward to getting to see that much ass without having to pay for it. It’s like a skinfest of sexy Snow Whites, Wonder Womans, nurses, cops and anything else chicks can simplify into a pair of boy-shorts, a bra, angel wings and hooker heels. In other words, every city in America becomes the Red Light District of Amsterdam.
Why do ladies like to show off their goodies so much? Because they have them, they know boys like to see them and they like the attention. If Ms. SeXXXy Cop tells you she doesn’t like being gawked at like a brand new BMW in a used car lot, she’s lying as sure as she’s shaking her barely covered ass while stumbling in front of hot guys in those shiny, black, platform hooker boots. Seriously, take a moment to watch the cameras come out as groups of costumed chicks position themselves in highly visible areas of the club and do “sexy, kissy-faced poses” that they can all, “post on my Facebook!!!” Halloween is pretty serious business for gals on the prowl, attention starved chicks and THAT girl.
That girl is me. The one girl dressed up in a costume she doesn’t quite look like she belongs in but making a gallant effort to sell ‘the look.’ I found that my once trusty, traditional length Dorothy costume was outdated and so I upgraded to my very own slutty outfit: the Sexy Pirate Wench. It would have worked great if I had been a few inches taller, sported a fuller, bigger bustline and was able to afford the $40 buccaneer hat and $60 pirate boots. After that year, I decided to go even sluttier and invested in the XXX version of my fave Disney princess, Snow White. It was so much of a hit that this year I think I will go full whore, but I guarantee I will pull that off as badly as the pirate wench and Snow White.
I’m not saying guys don’t show skin, but typically they are not as much fun to look at when you consider they mostly dress for comfort, humor and the ability to geek it out once a year and keep their social status card. Some dudes will find something they know the ladies will want to see like the hottie Dr. McDreamy, maybe a Spartan or some other costume made to show off chiseled abs whether they have them or not. The trick is to find the triple threat: something they can easily double fist alcohol in, still look like they made an effort and functions as an ice-breaker in talking to chicks.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging. As a matter of fact, I look forward to all the people watching and the opportunity for me to partake in the skin-tastic festivities wearing my own barely-there version of some popular character while documenting all of it with my camera. Speaking of popular characters, out of curiosity, I looked up what costumes would be hot this year and this is what Google tells me:
Lady Gaga: it’s true, the pop phenomenon has licensed her low cut, blue unitard and matching gloves so that you can be Lady Gaga for an evening. There will no doubt be at least one guy dressed as the Lady G in a bid to win a costume contest.
Snooki: because every chick wants to be Snooki! She’s little, she’s outspoken and now she’s a Halloween costume. How fitting.
LeBron James: yeah, can’t figure this one out.
Iron Man: some comic book nerd will definitely geek it up as the metallic hero version of Tony Stark. You know he’s a nerd because the Iron Man costume doesn’t show enough skin or muscle to be a chick attraction.
Black Widow: c’mon, what girl didn’t envision herself in that uber-tight, black leather, cellulite whipping and shaping costume that Scarlett Johansson filled out so nicely?
Twilight’s Edward and Bella: if you’re married and the wife likes the series, guess what you guys are doing as a couple? Hey, last year it was shirtless Harry and sexy Hermione – not that it wasn’t weird to see characters from a kid’s movie turn so … adult.
Michael Jackson: always a hit for 80s parties and Halloween. The white-gloved mega-star lives on after his death in the hearts, iPods and as a staple at Halloween parties everywhere for one night a year.
Rounding out the top costumes for this year will be Spartans, vampires and werewolves (thank you again, Twilight), angels, witches, doctors, DC and Marvel heroes, cheerleaders and princesses. I honestly don’t know how we chicks wear the little that we do on Halloween and not freeze our buns off, but dudes better be grateful.
Boo, y’all.
