CHICK NORRIS KNOWS BEST ... ?

"Because I said so, that's why."
So, I’m talking to my friend while he is getting ready for his trip to see the parental units and he’s going on about his 14 year old niece who has a boyfriend and recently came home with a hicky. I cringed. Hickies are gross. I firmly believe they are the white trash way that some uncivilized couples show ownership of each other. But if hickies are your thing, and you wanna wear a bruise as a trophy in a highly visible spot on your body, that’s your business. If you’re 14 years old, your parents are going to ground you and you’ll probably never see your boyfriend again unless accompanied by your father with a shotgun. That’s what I know. Here are some other pointers if you are just starting to date and/or like boys:

1. Hickies are gross. It needed to be stated again.

2. There is no such thing as a promise ring.

3. Laughing out loud and in the direction of your crush just looks and sounds stupid. If he didn't notice you before, he won't notice you now. If he does, it's just to remark on how stupidly loud you are.

4. If you have no plans to tell your crush you are crushing on him, don’t tell your friends either. They almost always “accidentally” spill.

5. I realize some of you only get to see your boyfriends at school, but playing tonsil hockey in the cafeteria is vomit inducing. And will probably get your parents called. Remember dad and his shotgun.

6. Any public display of affection that includes the swapping or smearing of saliva should be avoided. Save it for a private moment when you don’t have an audience.

7. Girls, know why guys assume you are a “slut” even if you know you are a virgin? Gross amounts of PDA with a variety of partners. See why discretion might save your virtue?

8. Nice boys might not be cool, but they are less likely to trash your reputation if you don’t “give in” too soon or even ever.

9. That really gorgeous jock that you chose over the nice boy … he’s making bets on how soon he’ll be able to get in your pants. So, his friends will know as soon as it happens.

10. No high school boy knows enough about sex to make it feel good.

11. Always use a condom. There is no medical condition that physically prevents a boy from slipping one on unless he has no fingers.

12. Do not have sex if you are not familiar with ALL the consequences and are prepared to deal with them.

13. The skirts that barely cover your ass? They look better with leggings, cute boots and accessories, not by itself so everyone can see your underpants if you so much as shift in the wrong direction.

14. Girls … going commando is really just for boys. Trust me on this one.

15. Don't tell your parents if you have a crush. We are going to make fun of you.

16. Cell phones, video game systems, personalized wardrobe and the freedom to hang out with your friends are privileges based on trust, honesty and the ability to complete your chores without having to be told over and over again.

17. As long as you are in your parents house, you have to follow the rules. Yes, even when it seems unfair. One day, you will have your own kids and a light bulb will go off in your head as understanding sets in.

18. Don't lie to anyone to make yourself look good. I'm serious when I say that one lie begats another which begats another and ... well, you know what I mean. Before you know it, the lie spirals out of control and when the truth comes out, you just look like a liar. It's hard to come back from that. So, we all know you didn't get offered a modeling contract by a random "agent" in the mall in Hicktown, U.S.A. But if that's a goal of yours, cool.

19. There are no such thing as cooties.

20. Sixteen year olds should not be allowed to drive without adult supervision.

CAMERA SHOCK! Not a Love Story

"I like to order things online. It's easier and quicker and I don't even have to fight for a good parking spot."


Everyone knows one person who just doesn’t like to spend a chunk of money on something they need, but will go out and buy a bunch of small things they don’t need for the same amount of money. They rationalize it as getting more for their money. Usually, it’s their dad. If you’re my friend or my Family, you know it’s me. I’ve needed to replace my digital single lens reflex camera for quite some time. But, I’m cheap and had to milk every bit of life left in my old camera until it wouldn’t even turn on anymore. I realized now is the time I need to buy a new one. So, I set off around town to the electronic stores to see what the damage to my bank account was going to be. At $1,500, it was pretty substantial. Especially since there was a ring flash unit for $399 I also wanted to buy that I had been looking at for two years. I had to pause for a minute and call my brother, Matt, to vent about how the mark up on cameras was going to kill the economy and how ridiculous people like me are to even consider paying those prices. My brother informed me that I should look online for the same camera because I’ll get it cheaper. I was a little skeptical, because it’s a pretty expensive camera, but then he offered proof.

“Dawn, I just ordered the same camera online for $399 from ‘XYZ.com.’” Sold.

That’s, like, one third of what they’re charging in the stores, how can they do that? Was there something wrong with it? I realized I didn’t care how they could do that or what could be wrong with it, I just wanted to buy my camera for $399 because I am cheap. This meant I could buy the ring flash, too. So, I went home and pulled up ‘XYZ.com.’ Sure enough, there was my camera, pictured in a halo of gold and priced cheap just like my brother said, so I placed my order. That’s when the fantasy evaporated around me faster than boiling water that you left on the stove and walked away to do something else.

After I entered my order and submitted my purchase, I received an e-mail asking me to call and confirm my order. It was after their business hours, so I waited until the next day and called from work. It was busy. No problem, I tried again later. It was busy later. Then later after that, it was still busy. You know what, it was busy all day, I never got through. So, I contacted them through their Web site and explained that I was not able to confirm my order, would someone please contact me. I never heard from them. Dealing with bad customer service hits a nerve with me and I had to blame someone. That’s when it became my brother’s fault.

“They told me it was on backorder and I’d be waiting four weeks for mine,” he said. That would have been nice to know before. “You didn’t ask. Just call one of the other companies and see if they have it.”

Which is what I did. Every single company sounded like they had the same rude employee working the phones. There was no “hello” it was more like “yeah, whadda ya want?” When I asked about the camera, they were all suspiciously out of stock. One company told me I should call back in three to four weeks, around May or June. That’s longer than three to four weeks, I explained to them. They hung up on me. When I asked one company why it was priced so low, they claimed it was because the body of the camera was made of plastic so I wouldn’t be able to use my lenses. However, if I bought the package with the $200 four-hour battery, that was the magnesium alloy model, it was in stock and I would have it in three days. I paused. Wouldn’t that be like selling me the camera body and throwing in a $60 battery - for an extra $200? No thanks. They hung up on me, too.

My frustration lead me to up the amount of moolah I would be willing to part with for my new camera to see if I could find an online store who would not only give me great customer service, but have it in stock. My search led me to a place that sold it for just under $750 and they advertised free shipping. Strangely, the salesman sounded like all the others I’d been dealing with. Sure, they had it in stock. Of course there’s free shipping and I could have it in a week. I just had to get past the three year warranty and extended life battery up-sell. Easy as pie. But wait, there’s a “handling and insurance “ fee of $65? What happened to free shipping? I canceled that order and the salesman actually threatened to never let me order from him again. I’m not too worried.

What did worry me was the charge on my credit card for the amount of the camera that I didn’t even order. When I called to dispute their reason for charging me for an order I decided not to place, they vehemently denied charging my card. Until I faxed proof from my bank stating otherwise, when they promptly refunded my money, less a “re-stocking” fee. I know, how can they charge me a fee to re-stock an item that never left their shelf? Because they’re crooks. No, that’s a strong word … but it fits so well. Eventually, after many phone calls, I was able to get the fee charged back to my account and I received a nice e-mail stating I will not be allowed to order from them or their affiliates. I’m sure that wasn’t going to be a problem.

There was one last company I decided to order from who had the camera I wanted advertised for about what I was willing to spend on it. They promised I would get my camera in five to seven days. I should have known, when they only needed my name and credit card number, that they weren’t being quite honest. When I called back to confirm my order, as instructed, I was told the camera was on backorder for seven to 10 weeks But they had a “better” model with a lower resolution and a slower shooting speed they could sell me in a package that included a battery charger, battery and a high-speed, error-free memory card, for about three times what I had decided to spend. The sales rep said he shot with both the high-speed model I wanted and the one he was trying to sell me and he couldn’t tell the difference in speed and performance. That’s why he isn’t a photographer and all he’ll probably do for the rest of his life is cheat honest people out of their money from a telephone. That was a no go as well. Sigh ...

I still haven’t ordered my camera, but I’ve learned a valuable lesson in all of this. You see, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is, and a camera priced that low is like an oasis in the desert. It’s not really there. No, really, it’s not there as in it’s not in stock. I quickly found out that if I googled the model of camera I was looking for, there was a plethora of online stores that “sold” it for a ridiculously low price, but no one wanted to sell me one because they didn’t physically have it. Had I checked out these online stores at www.resellerratings.com first, I might not have wasted so many hours being frustrated. That’s a lot of hours of my life that I can’t get back.

See, every single one of those online stores that advertised ludicrously low prices for electronics came with a bazillion complaints about bait and switch tactics, people getting the wrong order, being charged for merchandise they didn’t order and, in some cases, not getting the product at all. Strangely enough, they all complained about the same rude employee and bad customer service. As much as the thought of parting with the amount of money I’m going to have to spend for my camera, it looks like I’m going to have to suck it up and just do it. By the way, my brother is still waiting for his camera.