"I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts." ~ Rita Rudner
It seems that there’s a month dedicated to just about everything. There’s National Poetry Month, National Safety Month, National Breast Cancer Awareness Month and even National Toilet Tank Repair Month. As it turns out, January is National Diet Month. I had no idea there was a month dedicated to half the topics I saw listed on the Internet, let alone my self proclaimed career — dieting.
My dieting career began when I was in the ninth grade. That was when my first set of angry red stretch marks screamed across my calves, hips and thighs in protest of the excess weight I had packed on in the first three months at boarding school. I’d like to be able to blame the buffet breakfasts and dinners and even the vending machines available to me, but no one tied me to a chair and forced me to eat double helpings at meal time or snack in between.
All the girls in the dorm suddenly became experts in the field of diet and nutrition via the television and tabloids. From wrapping myself in saran wrap (to sweat off the weight) to the raw veggie diet, the nuttiest idea was the water diet. As per my roommate, I was to drink one gallon of water a day so the cellulite will flush out of my system. Do you know how hard it is to drink that much water a day — consciously? I didn’t even like water and cellulite won’t ‘flush’ out of your system — unless it is aided by a liposuction hose.
No, I didn’t do the water diet, although I did incorporate water into my diet. Turns out it’s good for you. I cut down my food intake, started exercising and eliminated all candy and soda from my daily menu. It worked and I lost all the weight. But to keep the weight off, you have to be consistent with your diet and exercise plan. At 15, I was too young to realize that and I gained the weight back — and then some. Which began my adventures, mishaps and experiments with yo-yo dieting that plagued me well into my 30s.
Losing weight became an addiction that was fueled by the growing, distorted view of myself through the funhouse mirrors in my room. No, I didn’t really own funhouse mirrors, but I had developed body dysmorphic disorder which made every mirror my enemy. Eventually, I had cut out all food from my diet and, even though parts of my skeletal anatomy were protruding through my skin, I still thought I was fat.
Anorexia (starvation) and it’s fraternal twin, bulimia (binging and purging), became my diet plan of choice for a number of years. It was cheap, I didn’t have to exercise and it worked. What I didn’t know was that combination could have been lethal, had I stuck to the plan as well as I should have. Lucky for me, I’m a habitual cheater when it comes to dieting.
However, it became increasingly harder to tell myself that I was not hungry and did not need food. That issue was solved when I got pregnant. Food took on a whole new meaning to me and I gained 100 pounds over my nine month pregnancy. No one was more surprised than I when I gave birth and only lost six pounds and 13 ounces. I didn’t want to give up all the deliciousness over the last nine months, but I also wanted to fit back into my ‘cute’ clothes. Late night feedings in front of the television solved a few of those problems — repeatedly.
Miracle pills
Did you know there is not a single pill out there that will eliminate the need for exercise to lose weight? I became a fan of late night informercials and daytime talk shows featuring fantabulous before and after photos touting the success of various diet pills that would promote fast weight loss. But those and the supplements guaranteed to rid my body of the excess, toxic mucoid plaque that inhibited successful weight loss only emptied my wallet — often.
Workout videos
My dislike for exercise is only because I get bored with repetition. So, I invested in fitness DVDs. My shelves were stocked with every workout video from pilates and kickboxing to aerobics and the popular Sweatin’ to the Oldies and Billy Blanks series. I even tried MTv’s The Grind Workout, which should have come with the flexibility, agility and dance background requirements needed to follow the choreography. I dropped it like it was hot alright — right to the floor.
Exercise machines
Yes, I owned a variety of contraptions guaranteed to slim and firm like the Ab Roller and ThighMaster. I’m sure they would have worked had I been using them correctly. For your information, when your dad tells you to limit your time on Tony Little’s Gazelle to about 15 minutes the first time, don’t scoff at the age difference between you both, turn on Oprah and go for the hour. I didn’t feel it right away, but the next morning, I swore someone had given me an epidural because I couldn’t feel my legs.
All this experimentation has made me realize that there is not an easy way to keep myself in shape. These days, my motivation is to stay healthy. In the last five years I’ve been able to keep a semi trim waistline through a moderate diet and exercise plan. As for working out, I’ll be the first to tell you that I’d rather be slamming my big toe into the corner of a wall most days than making that trip to the gym. But, I’ve found that the gym is less painful and hurting my big toe is not going to burn enough calories to make it worth my while. I’m not about being counterproductive.
(Editor’s note: You should talk to your doctor before starting a diet and exercise plan, especially if it includes taking supplements or pills to accelerate weight loss.)
