Mutilating the 80s

Rainbow Brite LARP group visits your town on 80s nite

While perusing photos on Facebook one morning, I noticed a photo of a group of young people dressed up like the cast from the cartoon “Rainbow Brite.” Their outfits were so colorful, tight, layered and loud in their proclamation of the era they were advertising: the 80s. Shorts over colored tights, fishnet gloves, a Kiss t-shirt, guitar shades and chem.-light necklaces, it looked like a regurgitation of everything rejected from the Madonna era. These kids, who were all probably just coming out of their moms’ wombs in the 80s, thought they had the style and attitude down. Truth was, they were giving everything good about the era my generation grew up in ‘a bad name’ (thank you Bon Jovi). But to be fair, it’s not really their fault. Hollywood is resurrecting the 80s by storm in movies and in television.

I blame anthology shows like “I Love The 80s” for showcasing the most ridiculous and bizarre talking points about a decade marked by the emergence of gold chains, big hair, slouchy sweaters and socks, hip hop, rap, R&B, and just about all the best chick flicks ever made. Two mega-music stars of the 80s seem to define the over-the-top fashion explosion of the era: Madonna and Michael Jackson. Of course, the rest of the celebrity population followed suit with outrageous fashion statements based on a chick who looked like a cheap version of every man’s fantasy in lace (whose style, I might add, became a selling point for exotic dance acts over the years) and a dude who wore one white glove and introduced us all to the Jeri Curl. God bless them both, but normal people didn’t dress like that on a daily.

Now, 30 years later, a new generation of 20-somethings have adopted the neon colors, lace, excessive rubberized accessories and even the music and movies as their own. Stone washed, waist high jeans cinched at the ankles, slouch socks (which the Hooters franchise has brought back – holla), Members Only jackets, underwear worn as outerwear and jelly bracelets were brought back out of hiding. Why? Because these new kids decided it’s fun to take an era and not only put their own spin on it, but say they know and love everything about the 80s from watching TVLand re-runs, Google and Wikipedia. What they don’t realize is the rest of us who actually lived it are shaking out heads as we laugh our asses off. It’s borderline insulting to those who were there.

For starters, unless anyone was a performer, cross-dresser or it was Halloween, we didn’t wear rock star wigs to go to a club. We preferred Aqua Net and Clairol color as it was all about being natural. It was lace for the ladies and fishnets for the gents but only if you were in a band, a naughty situation in a private room or working on Skin Street. All our clothes matched and seldom did any of us wear shorts over leggings unless it was spirit day at our high school. Those movies from the 80s that every generation loves to quote are the stories that inspired the population of our decade much like the graduation songs brought to the 90s by Boyz II Men and Bel Biv Devoe

What’s more is that we 80s folks have learned to progress with , fondly bringing it out in moderation and in small, acceptable, classy doses. Mostly to make fun of the same things VH1 and MTV have hired a mix of too-young-to-know and authentic 80s celebrity experts to recount the antics and blunders of a generation that’s become a popular party theme. These youngsters want to live and breathe another place and time for a party or as a lifestyle choice, they can at least respect the true look and feel of the era and understand the decade was about more than great movies, fun music, bright colors, big hair, interesting fashion statements (that no one wants to revisit) and the birth of a generation of 80s wannabes.

It was the start of the computer age, video games, beepers, introduction of the Post-It note by 3M, invention of the cellular phone and fashion misses like floppy shirts, white stilettos (thank you Valley Girls) and shoulder pads. MTV brought us the music video, Teen Beat Magazine turns moms (and dads) into pedophilic voyeurs of such underage sensations as Alyssa Milano, Scott Baio and Michael J. Fox (and will continue to do so throughout each new decade. Menudo was replaced by the New Kids on the Block as the new boyband sensation because they had the “Right Stuff.” Boy George. Jane Fonda teaches women about fitness through aerobic exercise while Suzanne Somers introduced lazy women who didn’t want to get up and move to the Thigh Master. This was also the decade that saw the end of the Cold War through the collapse of the Berlin Wall.

Does it really bother me to see the 80s mutilated by those who haven’t lived it? Probably not … maybe a little … no, I guess not. However, it gives me something to knock the new generation of wannabes about. It is kind of neat that the identifying pop culture points of the era are being celebrated three decades after it wasn’t really all that cool the first time around. A great example of the parody is Dirt Nasty’s “Like It Was 1980.” Simon Rex, who was there, wraps up the 80s in a four minute tune about the fashion, fame, sex and drug phenom of the decade.

So, for all the 20-somethings still with me, have a little respect for an era you really weren’t part of – even if you were born in it. You own the 90s. Just like my parents told me about things I didn’t understand growing up: one day, when your kids decide to rape everything you liked about youth and adolescence, you will pick up what I’m putting down.



Dirt Nasty delivers an account on what's become the most popular decade to emulate.

Wax on ... Wax o - OUCH!

As a woman, there are certain things we don’t want: cellulite, wrinkles, small breasts and unsightly, unwanted hair. We will try anything – ANYTHING - to fix any of those problems (all of which I have by the way). Money is no object. Except for me.


I’m a self-employed, single mom, so spending cash on boobs, laser treatments or having my skin peeled back on my face is not in my budget. But waxing my nether regions, while still costing a pretty penny, is within reach of my bank account. Who doesn’t want their vagina to look like a porn star’s? I, for one, don’t much like having a 5 o’clock shadow down there. And shaving only keeps it smooth for, like, a few hours or until you get goosebumps once. How cool would it be to have the shaved look last longer? I was always looking for a better, longer lasting solution to body hair.



Back in junior high school, I learned that if you pull hair out by the root, it will grow back finer. If you do it often, eventually the hair will grow back less and less – each treatment lasting four weeks. That was what the infomercial for the Epilady said. For those of you who don’t know what an Epilady is, it’s a medieval torture device disguised as a miracle hair removal tool that anyone can use with little to no pain. It’s a Norelco shaver-like thing with a rotating coil that grabs hair and pulls as it turns, pulling the hair out in bunches. I used it for the approximate time it took to catch one clump of hair, scream, try to disentangle the hair from the device and then beg the good Lord to please make it stop and if he did I would never, ever do anything bad again. That was just one strip on my leg!



So the pain of having my hair yanked from my body was pretty distant and I was ready to try something new – the Brazilian Wax. I wanted a pretty girl part and this seemed like the perfect way to get one. I made my appointment a week ago. I was afraid the hair wouldn’t grow in enough by the time my appointment came around, but I shouldn’t have worried - Italian hair is superhuman and in another week, I would have sported a full bush. I showed up at my appointment ready and with enough to grab.



OUCH!



For anyone thinking about doing this, be prepared to show yourself to another human the way you may have only shown yourself to your boyfriend, husband or gynecologist. This is a 'front to back' procedure. You also need to know it’s gonna hurt pretty bad the first time. But if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t scream at all. Nope. My entire being did, however, want to punch itself in the face briefly. After the initial sting, that feeling passes and it's like plucking your own really hairy, sensitive eyebrows. It's also client participation: meaning, you will be asked to help hold the skin taut. Having something else to do besides anticipate the pain does help. I heard that in some cases, if they don't get all the hair, the tweezers come out to grab the strays that survived the deforestation. Not where I went. The results last from three to six weeks regardless of whether you're a hairy monster or not. Deal.



It was over quick enough, though, and my va-jay-jay was so pretty and smooth, I could give Jenna Jameson a run for her cash. And aside from a little numbness, it didn’t hurt after it was all over. Would I do it again? Bank account permitting - yes. Would I recommend it to anyone else? Absolutely. It's one of those little things that make you feel instantly prettier and girlier for a fraction of the cost of laser treatments - like a wonderbra to small boobs.

Cellular Children

I recently ran across an opinion piece about kids having cellular phones. It caught my attention because my own pre-teen has one. It said that cell phones are just another way for parents to monitor their children when they are not around. How, ‘back in the day,’ all our parents had were the proverbial village that consisted of neighbors, coaches, teachers and other parents to help take care of our kids. Handing a child a cell phone is like attaching a GPS to their pockets and possibly opening up a world of trouble via media exposure. It goes on to say how much more trouble a parent is allowing their children to get into by handing them a cell phone.



Well, hand your kid a television remote and access to a computer with Internet and you will surely be sending them straight to hell. And kids are kidnapped everyday by members of that proverbial village that parents might rely on. While I agree there can be problems with kids having cell phones, I feel a lot safer knowing my daughter has a mobile device capable of possibly helping her in an emergency. For most parents, it’s not about nosing into their kids' business. It’s about being able to have comfort in knowing their children are safe.



When I was 16 years old, I remember going to the mall with my brother, his friend and a girlfriend of mine. My brother and his friend went one way, my friend and I went the other. My girlfriend and I ran into these two older guys and they convinced us to go to a movie with them. In a taxi. After the movie, they taxied us to Pizza Hut before I convinced them to take us home. I didn’t have any quarters for a payphone or I would have called my dad. They eventually dropped us off at my house where my parents and hers were furious at us for being so reckless and stupid. It was totally our fault and, in hindsight, that situation could have gone wrong in so many ways. Someone was definitely looking out for us. If I had a cell phone, I would have called my parents. If I had had sense at the time, that would never have happened.



One point the author of the article was trying to make was that we don’t need to monitor our children. That they should be allowed to make their own mistakes and learn from them on their own. True enough. But with the technology available to give your kids a way to call for help if they need it, why not use it?



As for cell phones opening up a world of trouble to our kids … they will find trouble with or without it. This is where communicating with your children and explaining things to them comes in. That’s right, actually talking to our kids instead of being involved in our daily TiVo marathons and Facebook updates that are between dinner, homework and bed. You give them the knowledge they need to have to make good decisions. Tell your daughters that texting boys her goodies will eventually lead to social suicide. Let your sons know that sharing said texts of underage girls could get them in serious trouble. Talk to your kids about sexting, bullying and any other trouble that’s out there.



I’m not saying every grade-schooler should have a cell phone. It’s up to the parent and depends on the situation. My parents didn’t buy me a phone, but that was before cell phones were affordable and available. Times have evolved technologically. When I decided to buy my daughter a phone it was hard to hand over such an enabling piece of technology to a 12 year old. But I talked to her about it and explained that there were consequences to certain actions. Surprisingly, I haven’t had an issue with her and her phone yet, but the teen years are coming. It's a personal decision for every parent whether they want their children to own a cell phone. With that decision, it's also the responsibility of the parent to make sure the privilege isn't being abused.