“Cougars are all the rage, but don’t let ‘em out they cage, ancient and middle aged, want c***s and botox in they face … they ain’t even gotta be that old, if they’re twice ya age, ya good to go. Young girls, they all right, but a night with a cougar: PRICELESS” – Dirt Nasty, “Cougars”
Seriously, all the hype surrounding the cougar phenomenon is doing nothing more than to create unrealistic expectations, and sometimes unfair, judgments when it comes to single, older women. It’s like being a superhero; cougars now have a responsibility to not disappoint. They even get their own set of stripes: any kind of animal print. Maybe a Cougar League of America is in order, where women who meet the requirements of being a cougar can register, get a membership card and handbook with rules and regulations, and even pick their own cougar name with a cougar power. Mine would be Persian Honey; my cougar power would be sexting – I’ve watched enough porn to know what guys wanna read.
“Ridonculous.”
Let’s clarify a point: if a woman is dating a man more than 15 to 20 years younger, then she’s definitively a cougar. A lesser age gap is not enough to stereotype (sorry girls who are in a hurry to own the term for their own – age minimum is 35-40 FYI). What surprises me is how many chicks want this title, almost as many as those quick to define themselves as a MILF. Neither term is complimentary, but to be sure, I’d rather be called a cougar than a MILF. I remember a time when women who dated boys were called cradle-robbers. It wasn’t cool … unless it was porn and told from the dude’s perspective; then it was hot.
So, boys want to know how to score an older chick. They think older women don’t come with the same drama and expectations younger women have when it comes to relationships and are dynamite in the sack. News flash, young grasshoppas: few things change, as women get older, when it comes to relationship expectations (except they are well versed in the dirty, having many years to hone their skills). If anything, older chicks take less crap, want more and settle for less. It’s a lot to put up with for nothing more than some ass. There are tons of Web advisors – mostly men - offering advice on how to catch a cougar. Apparently there’s a few considerations to be taken like wardrobe, how to act, sexy talk techniques and even which locations are crawling with cougars. Here’s a clue: if older women are predators, they’ve already spotted you before you even walked through the door. Heads up, buttercup, she’s already stalking you.
If you really want to catch a cougar, guys, and you’re lucky enough to meet one who doesn’t ask if you own a lawnmower or who knows your mom from bridge night with the girls, here’s a few things to keep in mind:
1. She is not a sugarmomma or meal ticket. Yeah, she might make more money than you, but she appreciates a guy that picks up the tab as much as she does. You wanna be wined and dined? Become an escort. You want your life paid for? Get a job.
2. She is not your mom. It’s not her job to clean up after you, keep your scheduled appointments or run errands for you. She probably has kids of her own; if she has time to realize you’re a kid yourself, it’s over. Because while men consider it a bragging right to hook up with their college-age daughter’s friends, women who are mentally stable won’t date their son’s friends.
3. Age jokes can be funny, as well as pointing out a wrinkle or gray hair, but if that’s all you have in your vault, lock it and shelve them. No need to remind a cougar that she is older than you by several generations unless you want to get rid of one. Women already don’t take the whole ‘growing old gracefully’ thing well. If you constantly throw it in their face, they will probably get rid of you. It’s cheaper than cosmetic surgery.
4. When you’re out together and someone mistakes her for your mom, man up and do something that says otherwise. Especially if that someone is a younger girl. Be creative and clever, but not vulgar. I promise, the reward will be worth the effort.
5. Don’t be that insecure bastard who can’t appreciate a woman smarter than him. She’s older, if she didn’t know more, you might as well be dating your high school sweetheart. You know, the chick that broke up with you to head out West to become an actress/model/dancer/whatever, only to come back a few years later to work at the local Dairy Queen because she didn’t have a back-up plan. Cougars are smart, self-assured women who have made their mistakes and are comfortable in their own bodies - they won’t put up with stupid shit or sweat the small stuff. Besides, isn’t it that knowledge that’s so appealing? Just think of her as a sexy librarian or the hot teacher you’re allowed to bone without getting in trouble.
I’m 37 years old and have dated younger men. It was my own brother who called me out as a cougar five years ago, giving me a complex that prompted me to re-evaluate my dating preference. I am not sex-starved, rich or looking for a boy toy. Men more than half my age serve no purpose other than to satisfy a need that can easily be met by a battery-operated boyfriend. There’s no need for a guy who can’t stimulate me other than in the bedroom. It’s the same with most women, even those who go through a phase where they are not looking for a relationship, just some fun. It’s these women who, no doubt, set the stereotype for the rest of us.
So, where can you meet an older woman? Ha ha, relax, stud. If she’s a cougar, she’ll find you. Rawr.
