All Ho's Eve

It’s fast approaching one of the most popular ‘holidays’ of the year: All Ho’s Eve – I mean, All Hallows Eve … or Halloween. As a kid, I remember dressing up on Halloween and going door to door to ask stranger neighbors for candy without getting in trouble. As an adult, I see Halloween from a different perspective. It’s not about trick or treating for cavities, scary movies and haunted houses. Now, it’s all about exhibitionism and boy do people love to put what they have – be it just enough, not enough or too much – on display.

See, Halloween is like a free pass for chicks to wear the Frederick’s of Hollywood version of their fave Disney princess, superheroine, uniformed occupation or generic hottie in public and not get arrested for hooking. And every guy looks forward to getting to see that much ass without having to pay for it. It’s like a skinfest of sexy Snow Whites, Wonder Womans, nurses, cops and anything else chicks can simplify into a pair of boy-shorts, a bra, angel wings and hooker heels. In other words, every city in America becomes the Red Light District of Amsterdam.

Why do ladies like to show off their goodies so much? Because they have them, they know boys like to see them and they like the attention. If Ms. SeXXXy Cop tells you she doesn’t like being gawked at like a brand new BMW in a used car lot, she’s lying as sure as she’s shaking her barely covered ass while stumbling in front of hot guys in those shiny, black, platform hooker boots. Seriously, take a moment to watch the cameras come out as groups of costumed chicks position themselves in highly visible areas of the club and do “sexy, kissy-faced poses” that they can all, “post on my Facebook!!!” Halloween is pretty serious business for gals on the prowl, attention starved chicks and THAT girl.

That girl is me. The one girl dressed up in a costume she doesn’t quite look like she belongs in but making a gallant effort to sell ‘the look.’ I found that my once trusty, traditional length Dorothy costume was outdated and so I upgraded to my very own slutty outfit: the Sexy Pirate Wench. It would have worked great if I had been a few inches taller, sported a fuller, bigger bustline and was able to afford the $40 buccaneer hat and $60 pirate boots. After that year, I decided to go even sluttier and invested in the XXX version of my fave Disney princess, Snow White. It was so much of a hit that this year I think I will go full whore, but I guarantee I will pull that off as badly as the pirate wench and Snow White.

I’m not saying guys don’t show skin, but typically they are not as much fun to look at when you consider they mostly dress for comfort, humor and the ability to geek it out once a year and keep their social status card. Some dudes will find something they know the ladies will want to see like the hottie Dr. McDreamy, maybe a Spartan or some other costume made to show off chiseled abs whether they have them or not. The trick is to find the triple threat: something they can easily double fist alcohol in, still look like they made an effort and functions as an ice-breaker in talking to chicks.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging. As a matter of fact, I look forward to all the people watching and the opportunity for me to partake in the skin-tastic festivities wearing my own barely-there version of some popular character while documenting all of it with my camera. Speaking of popular characters, out of curiosity, I looked up what costumes would be hot this year and this is what Google tells me:

Lady Gaga: it’s true, the pop phenomenon has licensed her low cut, blue unitard and matching gloves so that you can be Lady Gaga for an evening. There will no doubt be at least one guy dressed as the Lady G in a bid to win a costume contest.

Snooki: because every chick wants to be Snooki! She’s little, she’s outspoken and now she’s a Halloween costume. How fitting.

LeBron James: yeah, can’t figure this one out.

Iron Man: some comic book nerd will definitely geek it up as the metallic hero version of Tony Stark. You know he’s a nerd because the Iron Man costume doesn’t show enough skin or muscle to be a chick attraction.

Black Widow: c’mon, what girl didn’t envision herself in that uber-tight, black leather, cellulite whipping and shaping costume that Scarlett Johansson filled out so nicely?

Twilight’s Edward and Bella: if you’re married and the wife likes the series, guess what you guys are doing as a couple? Hey, last year it was shirtless Harry and sexy Hermione – not that it wasn’t weird to see characters from a kid’s movie turn so … adult.

Michael Jackson: always a hit for 80s parties and Halloween. The white-gloved mega-star lives on after his death in the hearts, iPods and as a staple at Halloween parties everywhere for one night a year.

Rounding out the top costumes for this year will be Spartans, vampires and werewolves (thank you again, Twilight), angels, witches, doctors, DC and Marvel heroes, cheerleaders and princesses. I honestly don’t know how we chicks wear the little that we do on Halloween and not freeze our buns off, but dudes better be grateful.

Boo, y’all.


Mutilating the 80s

Rainbow Brite LARP group visits your town on 80s nite

While perusing photos on Facebook one morning, I noticed a photo of a group of young people dressed up like the cast from the cartoon “Rainbow Brite.” Their outfits were so colorful, tight, layered and loud in their proclamation of the era they were advertising: the 80s. Shorts over colored tights, fishnet gloves, a Kiss t-shirt, guitar shades and chem.-light necklaces, it looked like a regurgitation of everything rejected from the Madonna era. These kids, who were all probably just coming out of their moms’ wombs in the 80s, thought they had the style and attitude down. Truth was, they were giving everything good about the era my generation grew up in ‘a bad name’ (thank you Bon Jovi). But to be fair, it’s not really their fault. Hollywood is resurrecting the 80s by storm in movies and in television.

I blame anthology shows like “I Love The 80s” for showcasing the most ridiculous and bizarre talking points about a decade marked by the emergence of gold chains, big hair, slouchy sweaters and socks, hip hop, rap, R&B, and just about all the best chick flicks ever made. Two mega-music stars of the 80s seem to define the over-the-top fashion explosion of the era: Madonna and Michael Jackson. Of course, the rest of the celebrity population followed suit with outrageous fashion statements based on a chick who looked like a cheap version of every man’s fantasy in lace (whose style, I might add, became a selling point for exotic dance acts over the years) and a dude who wore one white glove and introduced us all to the Jeri Curl. God bless them both, but normal people didn’t dress like that on a daily.

Now, 30 years later, a new generation of 20-somethings have adopted the neon colors, lace, excessive rubberized accessories and even the music and movies as their own. Stone washed, waist high jeans cinched at the ankles, slouch socks (which the Hooters franchise has brought back – holla), Members Only jackets, underwear worn as outerwear and jelly bracelets were brought back out of hiding. Why? Because these new kids decided it’s fun to take an era and not only put their own spin on it, but say they know and love everything about the 80s from watching TVLand re-runs, Google and Wikipedia. What they don’t realize is the rest of us who actually lived it are shaking out heads as we laugh our asses off. It’s borderline insulting to those who were there.

For starters, unless anyone was a performer, cross-dresser or it was Halloween, we didn’t wear rock star wigs to go to a club. We preferred Aqua Net and Clairol color as it was all about being natural. It was lace for the ladies and fishnets for the gents but only if you were in a band, a naughty situation in a private room or working on Skin Street. All our clothes matched and seldom did any of us wear shorts over leggings unless it was spirit day at our high school. Those movies from the 80s that every generation loves to quote are the stories that inspired the population of our decade much like the graduation songs brought to the 90s by Boyz II Men and Bel Biv Devoe

What’s more is that we 80s folks have learned to progress with , fondly bringing it out in moderation and in small, acceptable, classy doses. Mostly to make fun of the same things VH1 and MTV have hired a mix of too-young-to-know and authentic 80s celebrity experts to recount the antics and blunders of a generation that’s become a popular party theme. These youngsters want to live and breathe another place and time for a party or as a lifestyle choice, they can at least respect the true look and feel of the era and understand the decade was about more than great movies, fun music, bright colors, big hair, interesting fashion statements (that no one wants to revisit) and the birth of a generation of 80s wannabes.

It was the start of the computer age, video games, beepers, introduction of the Post-It note by 3M, invention of the cellular phone and fashion misses like floppy shirts, white stilettos (thank you Valley Girls) and shoulder pads. MTV brought us the music video, Teen Beat Magazine turns moms (and dads) into pedophilic voyeurs of such underage sensations as Alyssa Milano, Scott Baio and Michael J. Fox (and will continue to do so throughout each new decade. Menudo was replaced by the New Kids on the Block as the new boyband sensation because they had the “Right Stuff.” Boy George. Jane Fonda teaches women about fitness through aerobic exercise while Suzanne Somers introduced lazy women who didn’t want to get up and move to the Thigh Master. This was also the decade that saw the end of the Cold War through the collapse of the Berlin Wall.

Does it really bother me to see the 80s mutilated by those who haven’t lived it? Probably not … maybe a little … no, I guess not. However, it gives me something to knock the new generation of wannabes about. It is kind of neat that the identifying pop culture points of the era are being celebrated three decades after it wasn’t really all that cool the first time around. A great example of the parody is Dirt Nasty’s “Like It Was 1980.” Simon Rex, who was there, wraps up the 80s in a four minute tune about the fashion, fame, sex and drug phenom of the decade.

So, for all the 20-somethings still with me, have a little respect for an era you really weren’t part of – even if you were born in it. You own the 90s. Just like my parents told me about things I didn’t understand growing up: one day, when your kids decide to rape everything you liked about youth and adolescence, you will pick up what I’m putting down.



Dirt Nasty delivers an account on what's become the most popular decade to emulate.

Wax on ... Wax o - OUCH!

As a woman, there are certain things we don’t want: cellulite, wrinkles, small breasts and unsightly, unwanted hair. We will try anything – ANYTHING - to fix any of those problems (all of which I have by the way). Money is no object. Except for me.


I’m a self-employed, single mom, so spending cash on boobs, laser treatments or having my skin peeled back on my face is not in my budget. But waxing my nether regions, while still costing a pretty penny, is within reach of my bank account. Who doesn’t want their vagina to look like a porn star’s? I, for one, don’t much like having a 5 o’clock shadow down there. And shaving only keeps it smooth for, like, a few hours or until you get goosebumps once. How cool would it be to have the shaved look last longer? I was always looking for a better, longer lasting solution to body hair.



Back in junior high school, I learned that if you pull hair out by the root, it will grow back finer. If you do it often, eventually the hair will grow back less and less – each treatment lasting four weeks. That was what the infomercial for the Epilady said. For those of you who don’t know what an Epilady is, it’s a medieval torture device disguised as a miracle hair removal tool that anyone can use with little to no pain. It’s a Norelco shaver-like thing with a rotating coil that grabs hair and pulls as it turns, pulling the hair out in bunches. I used it for the approximate time it took to catch one clump of hair, scream, try to disentangle the hair from the device and then beg the good Lord to please make it stop and if he did I would never, ever do anything bad again. That was just one strip on my leg!



So the pain of having my hair yanked from my body was pretty distant and I was ready to try something new – the Brazilian Wax. I wanted a pretty girl part and this seemed like the perfect way to get one. I made my appointment a week ago. I was afraid the hair wouldn’t grow in enough by the time my appointment came around, but I shouldn’t have worried - Italian hair is superhuman and in another week, I would have sported a full bush. I showed up at my appointment ready and with enough to grab.



OUCH!



For anyone thinking about doing this, be prepared to show yourself to another human the way you may have only shown yourself to your boyfriend, husband or gynecologist. This is a 'front to back' procedure. You also need to know it’s gonna hurt pretty bad the first time. But if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t scream at all. Nope. My entire being did, however, want to punch itself in the face briefly. After the initial sting, that feeling passes and it's like plucking your own really hairy, sensitive eyebrows. It's also client participation: meaning, you will be asked to help hold the skin taut. Having something else to do besides anticipate the pain does help. I heard that in some cases, if they don't get all the hair, the tweezers come out to grab the strays that survived the deforestation. Not where I went. The results last from three to six weeks regardless of whether you're a hairy monster or not. Deal.



It was over quick enough, though, and my va-jay-jay was so pretty and smooth, I could give Jenna Jameson a run for her cash. And aside from a little numbness, it didn’t hurt after it was all over. Would I do it again? Bank account permitting - yes. Would I recommend it to anyone else? Absolutely. It's one of those little things that make you feel instantly prettier and girlier for a fraction of the cost of laser treatments - like a wonderbra to small boobs.

Cellular Children

I recently ran across an opinion piece about kids having cellular phones. It caught my attention because my own pre-teen has one. It said that cell phones are just another way for parents to monitor their children when they are not around. How, ‘back in the day,’ all our parents had were the proverbial village that consisted of neighbors, coaches, teachers and other parents to help take care of our kids. Handing a child a cell phone is like attaching a GPS to their pockets and possibly opening up a world of trouble via media exposure. It goes on to say how much more trouble a parent is allowing their children to get into by handing them a cell phone.



Well, hand your kid a television remote and access to a computer with Internet and you will surely be sending them straight to hell. And kids are kidnapped everyday by members of that proverbial village that parents might rely on. While I agree there can be problems with kids having cell phones, I feel a lot safer knowing my daughter has a mobile device capable of possibly helping her in an emergency. For most parents, it’s not about nosing into their kids' business. It’s about being able to have comfort in knowing their children are safe.



When I was 16 years old, I remember going to the mall with my brother, his friend and a girlfriend of mine. My brother and his friend went one way, my friend and I went the other. My girlfriend and I ran into these two older guys and they convinced us to go to a movie with them. In a taxi. After the movie, they taxied us to Pizza Hut before I convinced them to take us home. I didn’t have any quarters for a payphone or I would have called my dad. They eventually dropped us off at my house where my parents and hers were furious at us for being so reckless and stupid. It was totally our fault and, in hindsight, that situation could have gone wrong in so many ways. Someone was definitely looking out for us. If I had a cell phone, I would have called my parents. If I had had sense at the time, that would never have happened.



One point the author of the article was trying to make was that we don’t need to monitor our children. That they should be allowed to make their own mistakes and learn from them on their own. True enough. But with the technology available to give your kids a way to call for help if they need it, why not use it?



As for cell phones opening up a world of trouble to our kids … they will find trouble with or without it. This is where communicating with your children and explaining things to them comes in. That’s right, actually talking to our kids instead of being involved in our daily TiVo marathons and Facebook updates that are between dinner, homework and bed. You give them the knowledge they need to have to make good decisions. Tell your daughters that texting boys her goodies will eventually lead to social suicide. Let your sons know that sharing said texts of underage girls could get them in serious trouble. Talk to your kids about sexting, bullying and any other trouble that’s out there.



I’m not saying every grade-schooler should have a cell phone. It’s up to the parent and depends on the situation. My parents didn’t buy me a phone, but that was before cell phones were affordable and available. Times have evolved technologically. When I decided to buy my daughter a phone it was hard to hand over such an enabling piece of technology to a 12 year old. But I talked to her about it and explained that there were consequences to certain actions. Surprisingly, I haven’t had an issue with her and her phone yet, but the teen years are coming. It's a personal decision for every parent whether they want their children to own a cell phone. With that decision, it's also the responsibility of the parent to make sure the privilege isn't being abused.

Cougar is not synonymous with compliment

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Top Ten Parenting Epiphanies

Remember when you were growing up and you thought your parents just did things because they could and not because there was a good reason? Then you would promise yourself after every punishment that when you have kids, things would be different. You wouldn't say no to them, they could eat whatever they wanted including all the ice cream and candy they could fit in their tummies and you would never stop them from going to late night parties that were not chaperoned and they could wear anything they wanted because that's how they would express themselves as individuals. Now that you're all grown up and dealing with one or more kids of your own, everything that your parents ever said and did makes so much more sense now, doesn't it? There was a method to their madness. You realize you are becoming your parents and it's kind of scary.


10. "Turn that crap down!" Just like you scoffed at the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin albums your parents praised against the sounds of Def Leppard and Bel Biv Devoe, your kids blast Ke$ha and Justin Bieber to your classic rock and R&B sounds that they don't realize inspired a lot of their generation's music.

9. "You are not leaving the house looking like you are homeless or ready to work on the boulevard." Madonna and Cyndi Lauper inspire us to be creative when looking like skanks. Nowadays we have Paris Hilton, the Girls Next Door and the Olsen Twins to thank for that.

8. "You wanna drink beer and smoke? Here, go ahead, drink this 12-pack and smoke this carton of cigarettes. You wanna die, I'll help you!" Why was it that when you got caught drinking or smoking, they always made you do it to the extreme? Personally, I think it's cause they got a laugh out of it, but most of the kids I know who had to do it, ended up not smoking and drinking as they got older. So, I guess it worked.

7. "You're old enough to get a job. Go find one." When my parents first said that, I thought to myself, "Sweet. My money, I can do whatever I want." Nope, because even though I made it, I still had to get permission to spend it. It was mom and dad's way of teaching money management. But I also appreciated it more because I earned it. However, I was also expected to use it to buy school clothes and supplies. When it's your own money, you aren't as inclined to spend it as fast.

6. "If your friends jump off a bridge, you gonna follow them?" Dad's way of teaching the kids how to be their own person. Of course, at the time, we all thought it was our parent's way of keeping us from the 'in' crowd or collect on the insurance. We were never sure.

5. "I'll give you something to cry about!" Which was usually followed by something that would make you cry: restriction or a beating. Usually this was said when you started crying over not being able to do something cause your parents said no and you thought there was no reason you shouldn't be able to do it, buy it or say it. Then your kid is standing in front of you, years later, and you're in the same situation. You realize there was a reason, but you only just now got it.

4. "Believe you me, this hurts me more than it hurts you." And you wonder how exactly is the beating hurting your parents when the belt is on your ass, not theirs. Well, no parent really wants to beat their child, but some feel it's the only option. Trust me, there will be days that you really, really want to spank your kids behind for some of the stupid stuff they do. But I think that our generation figured out that long term punishment works better than a few lashes with the belt. My daughter will tell you she'd rather get a spanking than get her computer taken away.

3. The report card. Remember when you were in school and you thought it wasn't important to get a high grade as long as you were passing? Now that you have kids, you figured out it wasn't really for YOUR education that your parents were on you about, but for the bragging rights to having the smartest kid in the neighborhood. You know exactly what I'm talking about. There is not one parent who didn't teach their kids the alphabet at 2 years old and make them perform it in front of their friends while talking about the MENSA possibilities.

2. Baths. As kids, we didn't want to take them. Then we grew up and realized our social success was dependent on being presentable. Our kids become an extension of that and no one wants to look like they birthed Bebe's kids. So, like our parents before us, we become the soap police and chase our kids into cleanliness, trying to explain that no one likes a stinky ass.

1. "You will understand when you grow up and you have your own kids." I can't tell you how many times my parents said this to me and I looked at them and thought, "Pssssh. Right. It's gonna be like a party in my house, my kids are gonna do whatever they want cause I will love them." How funny is it that you realize when you have your own kids, that your parents only did all of the above because they love you? And they will always love you, no matter how grown up you get. It all makes sense now.

Sex is worth the wait, you douches

“Sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should.” ~ George Michael, I Want Your Sex.

Sex is worth it … or is it worth the wait? What is sex anymore but an empty act to satisfy a selfish need? As kids, you’re urged to wait until you get married, or at the least wait for someone special, but no one waits. Why? Well, apparently, the caliber of the sex that you have is one point that is detrimental to the success of a relationship. So, if the sex sucks, so will your relationship — eventually — and that leads to “selective” infidelity. But if you truly are in love with someone, it should never suck because there will be chemistry and feelings and emotions to “back that act up.” Right? Not entirely.

Premarital sex has become a trend. It’s cool to have sex, a lot of it, all kinds of it and then justify it as test-driving the goods for long-term potential. Because everyone knows that lasting relationships are built on explosive sex. Who cares if you have common interests or anything to talk about besides the newest position advertised in Cosmo magazine? Who wants to have a conversation or spend time together outside the bedroom, when you have apparently, uncontrollable needs that have to be satisfied? Who is actually buying into that garbage? More than you know.

When you have books, television and movies that pretty much glorify every kind of sex there is, it’s hard not to think that perhaps, this is what the world is coming to, so if you can’t beat them, join them. No pun intended. It’s true, this is what the world is now, but they are only telling a story, not saying it’s okay to go out and spread your love around until you find your Mr. Big or, for men, that one girl worth giving up all others for. But if you separate your feelings from the act … then it’s like it doesn’t really count. Right?

The reality is that sex has become just an act that doesn’t mean anything real to anyone unless there is some kind of deeper feeling other than lust attached to it. Sure it’s fun, adds another activity to your social calendar and you can get tons of experience points to share when you finally do find someone worth more time than just a joy-ride. But is it worth the disappointment when you find that the only reason anyone was interested in you is because you “put out?” What about your self-esteem when you realize that being so free with your “goods” has led to the idea that you don’t respect yourself enough to be selective? Which brings to mind a quote: if you don’t respect yourself, no one else will. That’s a fact.

You could say this is encouraging those who are looking for more than just a few one night stands to wait before having sex, and in turn ruining it for everyone just out for instant gratification. It would even be noble to say, “wait until marriage”, but let’s not get carried away. This is 2010 and the sexual revolution has returned, if it ever even went away. As independent women and men, we have learned that sex can give us a certain amount of power and a good five minutes of pleasure we could have possibly given ourselves.

If you are one of those who sees sex as an extension of the hook you’re casting into the dating pool, be advised that sometimes you will reel in disappointment and long term side-effects like babies, AIDS and herpes. By the way, AIDS will kill you and, along with herpes, will permanently stunt your future sexual endeavors. Use of appropriate prophylactics can help, but are not always effective. Condoms break and the pill only has a 98 point something percent success rate depending on whether all pills are taken as directed or strategically (or accidentally) missed. So many ifs …

Kids, if you made it this far, don’t have sex until you are married. Everyone else who has already broken the seal: remember that it may not seem cool to wait for sex until it comes complete with all the bells and whistles of something more than a fling, but it sure beats being able to point out everyone you’ve been with when you walk into a bar. So, yeah, sex is worth the wait.