I've been writing on a script for quite some time. As I was proofing it (without spellcheck), I found bits of dialogue that I liked in different parts of it. I copied, pasted and added a bit of filler and - walla! I have a blog. I figure it will do more good here than on my desktop since I don't know if I'll ever finish my script. ;) Enjoy!
It's inherent in every girl from the day she is born - she dreams of the man who will sweep her off her feet and ride off into the sunset towards a castle in the sky for a happily ever after. Even as she gets older and experiences heartache and disappointment, she is still hoping that there will be one frog who turns into her Prince Charming, either after a kiss or a one night stand. This is the hero who will help her find all the scattered pieces of her heart and stitch it back together, the one who will kiss the tears away into forever and who can be in a room full of people but still only see her. Someone she can give her entire being to and who will give all of himself to her. Just like in the movies.
Sigh. I would totally give my brother's left nut and right leg for that - as would most girls.
I'm not the only chick in the world who has ever had her heart ripped out of her chest and crushed. If getting dumped were an Olympic sport, I probably wouldn't even get a medal - just an honorable mention. But it still hurts and my life is real to me and I know I've done my share. Someone once told me that I should write a book about it. Really? Who would care to read about a normal girl's life in a small military town? Besides, if I did, I'd have half of Dramaville after me with pitchforks and torches denying their part in this high school-like parody of ... well, life ... long after high school. Once they sobered up enough to read it. Which could possibly be never. I don't think any of them read anyway.
My editor said I should stop looking. That's pretty funny. I get an image of myself constantly rubbernecking everywhere I go. Truth is, I'm never looking. I'm just that risk taker. I could be holding the remnants of my heart in my hand, getting ready to put it back in my chest, but if a prospect presents himself, wrapped in 'nice, dreamy guy' exterior, I'll hand it over on the off chance that he won't smear it on the asphalt in front of me. You never know who could be the 'one.' Right? And there's not just one person for everyone. There are a lot of different people that could be right for you at any time in your life, you just have to meet them at the 'right time.' I, apparently, have a knack for meeting all the wrong guys at the wrong time, all the right guys at the wrong time and all the wrong guys at the right time. I'm batting 0 for 0.
I don't think I've met the right guy. Ever. Because my right guy would never be emotionally unavailable, not be ready for a relationship, and he would be able to walk into any bar, club or restaurant in town because he won't be a douchebag who slept with half the staff and parted on bad terms. He would see through the sarcasm and hard shell and realize it was a cover for something softer on the inside. He would get to know who I am and understand what matters most in my life and that while I might not 'need' him to be here, I 'want' him to be here. I could be the complete opposite of him, but that's what he would like most about me. He would know me, let me into his life and share everything with me. Especially his heart. Holy crap! Was that a Hallmark card advertisement? Ugh. I'm premenstrual. Cut me some slack. Moving on ...
It just so happens that what I want and what I'm getting aren't the same and I'm starting to wonder if I'm wrong to hope that one day, I'll meet someone who isn't afraid of their future because of what happened in their past. I'm not fearless, there are plenty of reasons for me to turn to the 'other' side or become a nun and devote myself to the only being who will love me unconditionally - hey, it even comes with a house and retirement plan! I'd just have to give up all the perks that come with having a relationship with a normal man. Probably not a bad gig, actually ...
Okay, yeah, that's not for me.
So, what I've learned is that there is never a right time for anything. There's only now. While there are people who will stop moving forward because they are afraid of the past repeating itself, I keep moving. If you spend your life waiting for the right time or being afraid that you're going to get hurt or looking for a 'sign' from God, you're going to be waiting forever and your entire life will pass you by.
I'm a single mom, working full time at one job and part time at a passion. I have responsibilities and I have my priorities in good order. I don't smoke or drink (a lot) and I am not promiscuous. For those of you having a hard time with big words because you might be reading this at 3am, 'not promiscious' means I don't have a generous amount of sex with a variety of partners. I don't want to have to drink to impress a guy who dumped his last girlfriend because she didn't. I'm just as much fun sober as I am tanked, only I don't randomly text my family when I'm sober. I don't want to think that the only reason anyone even bothers to talk to me is that they are curious to find out what I'd be like in bed. I'm damn fantastic and it gets better, but that comes with a string attached to my heart. I also don't want to never acknowledge the fact that I am a mom and that my daughter is more important to me than anything else in the world. Whoever I give the time of day to should feel privileged because that's me considering they might be special enough to eventually get to meet my girl. That's the biggest compliment I can give anyone. I believe in hugs, smiles, making out, music that makes you think, long drives talking until the wee hours of the morning, hot chocolate, karaoke and the Tung Sing Oriental buffet.
It's like I said. I could write a book about my life, my experiences and everyone in it ... but I bet it would sound a lot like yours.
(Disclaimer: I may have mispelled a few words, used a few of them wrong and even said something that you might identify with your life. It's not about you, it's late and I can't figure out how to make the letters bigger on my screen.)
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