Blinging a Dilemma

There are many things that men should not wear. Pink polo shirts, plaid shorts and sunglasses at night are a few that make it up the list. Topping that would have to be jewelry. I’m not talking about a watch or a wedding band as those are pretty acceptable. I'm talking about a man layered in more pretty, shiny things than Mr. T, walking around like they represent the height of progressive male fashion. Seriously? Check it:

The nipple, nose, and lip rings:
Mouth hooks and snot rings serve no purpose other than to create an environment for infection and a means to share it. Nipple rings on a man is just not hot. I’m not really sure what any guy is trying to prove with excessive piercings other than they can poke holes in extra places on their bodies.

Necklaces and bracelets:
Only used car salesmen, Italian mafia and pimps are excused for having bad taste. The only exceptions are those metal bracelets in honor of heroes who’ve lost their lives in the war and medical bracelets.

Prince Albert:
I’ve had the not so great pleasure of seeing one and it’s gross. Maybe it’s a means of self expression, but you now have holes in your penis. How much easier did you just make it to catch something foul? If this was done as an enhancement for naughty time with the ladies, let me tell you: if we wanted something metal in bed, we have toys that do a better job. If you are worried about your size, metal additions to it won’t make it perform better. FYI.

Regular rings:
Wedding rings are the only exception. And Super Bowl rings. Your Masonic ring and 40 pound high school class ring should only be worn at your class reunions and meetings. Men’s fingers should look manly, not pretty. Remember that.

Eyebrow rings and earrings:
Really, unless you are in high school and trying to figure out who you are, big boys should just not get eyebrow rings. It’s a sign of a man trying to relive his youth. Earrings are for chicks and men who want to be chicks. If you are not either, you should just leave them alone. When I go out, I don’t want to feel like I’m competing for chick-ness with my date.

Tongue piercings:
I admit, I’ve made out with a guy with a tongue ring before. I was so busy trying to make sure I didn’t accidentally dislodge it while also making sure it didn’t chip my teeth that I didn’t enjoy the experience.

If you want to spend your money on something that will really impress a chick, if that’s what you’re after, try a sharper wardrobe. Get rid of all the Affliction and Ed Hardy gear, have all the piercings melted into a keepsake keychain and splurge on pants that fit and shirts that are not designed to give anyone with ADD a seizure. Because when you decorate yourself prettier than my mother’s Christmas tree, I’m thinking there are some self esteem issues going on.

So, I think that about covers it for this edition of things I write about that sound funny and make sense, but won’t really change anything. Peace out, peeps.