So, I’m talking to my friend while he is getting ready for his trip to see the parental units and he’s going on about his 14 year old niece who has a boyfriend and recently came home with a hicky. I cringed. Hickies are gross. I firmly believe they are the white trash way that some uncivilized couples show ownership of each other. But if hickies are your thing, and you wanna wear a bruise as a trophy in a highly visible spot on your body, that’s your business. If you’re 14 years old, your parents are going to ground you and you’ll probably never see your boyfriend again unless accompanied by your father with a shotgun. That’s what I know. Here are some other pointers if you are just starting to date and/or like boys:
1. Hickies are gross. It needed to be stated again.
2. There is no such thing as a promise ring.
3. Laughing out loud and in the direction of your crush just looks and sounds stupid. If he didn't notice you before, he won't notice you now. If he does, it's just to remark on how stupidly loud you are.
4. If you have no plans to tell your crush you are crushing on him, don’t tell your friends either. They almost always “accidentally” spill.
5. I realize some of you only get to see your boyfriends at school, but playing tonsil hockey in the cafeteria is vomit inducing. And will probably get your parents called. Remember dad and his shotgun.
6. Any public display of affection that includes the swapping or smearing of saliva should be avoided. Save it for a private moment when you don’t have an audience.
7. Girls, know why guys assume you are a “slut” even if you know you are a virgin? Gross amounts of PDA with a variety of partners. See why discretion might save your virtue?
8. Nice boys might not be cool, but they are less likely to trash your reputation if you don’t “give in” too soon or even ever.
9. That really gorgeous jock that you chose over the nice boy … he’s making bets on how soon he’ll be able to get in your pants. So, his friends will know as soon as it happens.
10. No high school boy knows enough about sex to make it feel good.
11. Always use a condom. There is no medical condition that physically prevents a boy from slipping one on unless he has no fingers.
12. Do not have sex if you are not familiar with ALL the consequences and are prepared to deal with them.
13. The skirts that barely cover your ass? They look better with leggings, cute boots and accessories, not by itself so everyone can see your underpants if you so much as shift in the wrong direction.
14. Girls … going commando is really just for boys. Trust me on this one.
15. Don't tell your parents if you have a crush. We are going to make fun of you.
16. Cell phones, video game systems, personalized wardrobe and the freedom to hang out with your friends are privileges based on trust, honesty and the ability to complete your chores without having to be told over and over again.
17. As long as you are in your parents house, you have to follow the rules. Yes, even when it seems unfair. One day, you will have your own kids and a light bulb will go off in your head as understanding sets in.
18. Don't lie to anyone to make yourself look good. I'm serious when I say that one lie begats another which begats another and ... well, you know what I mean. Before you know it, the lie spirals out of control and when the truth comes out, you just look like a liar. It's hard to come back from that. So, we all know you didn't get offered a modeling contract by a random "agent" in the mall in Hicktown, U.S.A. But if that's a goal of yours, cool.
19. There are no such thing as cooties.
20. Sixteen year olds should not be allowed to drive without adult supervision.
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