"Don't you know who I am?!"I had the good fortune and opportunity to make my way out for a night on the town over the weekend. A few of my friends were going to be scattered across several bars at any given time during the night, one of which included a popular, local salsa dancing club. I had taken a salsa lesson over a year ago and was excited to put what I learned to use. People watching is one of my favorite things to do and this weekend proved to be the mother of all people watching weekends.
Before I continue, let me start by pointing out that I don't drink. Much. Being the only sober person in the immediate vicinity of a large group of intoxicated individuals has proven to be so entertaining that I want to remember all the details - so I can write about them later. There is so much to write about, I don't even know where to start.
Maybe the way people dress when they decide to make an appearance in public at night is a good starting point. You and I both know that before any of us go out, we try on multiple combinations of clothing and accessories to get the right 'look' for the night. We often enlist the aid of our friends. So, I wonder who the bad friends are that let their BFFs walk out the door looking like their closet threw up a mixture of the past two decades on them. Those are not good friends. As a matter of fact, they should have their friend card checked and their placement demoted on any friend list. You need to have your friend’s back and realize if they don’t look good, neither do you.
Girls, seriously, leggings underneath a pair of short shorts with Uggs was NEVER in. Ever. Just cause you might have seen a celebrity wear it for a photo spread in a magazine, doesn't mean it looks good in public. By the way, any kind of spotted cat print on a woman over 30 (and I am over 30 so I can say this), is called cougar print. So, if you wear it, be prepared for the resulting attentions. If you have to ask if a pair of shorts, dress or skirt is too short, you already know the answer - it's yes. those micro minis only look good on a 12-year old and Barbie. FYI- dimly lit clubs do not hide cellulite and yes, I can see it. And if you own a pair of Uggs, punch yourself in the ovaries because those are the UGGliest pair of boots ever.
I don’t want to see a grown man obviously not under the influence of his mother wear a pair of super tight plaid shorts with a pink shirt and loafers again. Whoever said plaid shorts looked good on men, lied. Also, guys, what's with the sunglasses at night? So you can, so you can ... what? Hide the signs of too much alcoholic consumption when the ugly lights come on? Or so the chick you thought was cute in the dimly lit club still looks cute at closing time? Men should also not wear headbands. Period. Or bandanas. You only look like a really bad parody of Goku from Dragonball Z or a washed up member of a boyband.
Have you ever watched people dance? You should. My friends and I happened to notice that there is a particular look that men and women get as they enter the combat zone of the "dance floor." That look, as coined by my friend Stephanie, is called a "game face." It's supposed to look similar to the face of seduction, but ends up looking closer to the smirk you get when you are not in a position to yank out a wedgie. When a person's game face is strong, you know they are confident about their dancing skill. Speaking of which, although most have some sweet moves that even I am jealous of, there are more than a few who look like their entire body is channeling Elaine from Seinfeld.
Body rubbing/checking your dance partner is not attractive. Neither is putting your face in her crotch or dry humping his leg. If you are one of those people, and you look around and see a lot of cell phones out, none of them are texting, they are recording your sad attempts at courting a one night stand through the interpretive dance techniques brought on by ingesting copious amounts of alcohol. It's not even your fault, because it obviously worked on someone, that's why you keep doing it. It’s like watching a Discovery channel exclusive on the mating techniques of the human male and female.
What about those over 21 up to middle age-ers who drink themselves stupid? I’ve watched men and women retard themselves with enough alcohol they start walking like they’ve had an epidural – their entire lower body is jello-fied. Every once in a while, I understand the need to prove to yourself that you still have what it takes. But when you are leaving with that chick, do you really think you have what it takes to make good on what you’re taking her home for?
All in all, it was a fairly entertaining weekend. I had a most awesome time and it’s great to know that I can be entertained just by people watching. I did note that no one that I met or talked to was stupid enough to drive while intoxicated and that a lot of people arrived in taxis so that they would leave in one. That made me smile because out of all the superficially bad decisions (wardrobe, dance technique, etc), the most important decision, personal safety, was taken seriously.
(Disclaimer: I wrote this in a comedic tone and knowing that I'm just as ridiculous. However, there's nothing like watching yourself through other people to make you think. This isn't about anyone in particular, if you took offense, it's not my fault you saw yourself in what I wrote. Thanks!)
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