Trending: Full frontal ‘dude-ity’

What’s up with all the gratuitous man-junk shots in movies and new cable series?

It’s like Hollywood ran out of ‘wow factor’ ideas and turned to the male appendage for shock value, comic relief and an attempt to hook female viewers with sex-appeal. Because, let’s face it, nothing says ‘sex appeal’ more, to chicks, than a full-on shot of a penis. Honestly, to me, that’s probably the least attractive part of the male anatomy to see on-screen, even if my new guilty pleasure is the Showtime reality series, Gigolos, which documents the sex-ploits of four (or five) male prostitutes in Vegas.

The last two movies I saw, Hall Pass and Your Highness, featured an element of surprise in the form of two schlong shots I didn’t see coming. Two of my favorite new cable series, Spartacus and Game of Thrones, throw around the full monty when it has nothing to do with what’s going on in the story; it’s as if the junk shot was a standard wardrobe change. I’m not sure if actors are stunting their rise to fame through a creative risk – the risk that their choice in roles in a particular movie or series could make or break their career. If the series is a success, it’s considered edgy; if it’s a flop, well, it’s the only thing people will remember. Look what happened to actor Simon Rex – oh, wait, that was gay porn – my bad. But his choices did affect the roles available to him in future, forgettable films, like … well, I forgot. But I digress …

It’s like when Tinsel-town discovered naked chicks drew box office bucks and actresses saw a way to jumpstart a stagnant career. As a matter of fact, nowadays, it’s easier to keep track of the actresses that don’t do nude scenes than the ones that do. But a penis is kind of like a fart joke, it gets old after a while. Boobs never get old - ever. Because, unlike the penis, you can be assured that every set of tits that shows up in a movie or on cable, that’s not featured on a health documentary, will look great. You can’t really guarantee that about a man’s junk. It just hangs there … until it’s moved. That is truly an appendage that’s for functionality only. You can’t even dress it up.

So, being the curious gal that I am, I decided to take to the Internet and learn more about this new … element … in movie-making. What I found out was that that first, this wasn’t an all female idea as a way to stick it to the dudes for objectifying the female form and two, men have been getting naked in film for a while now – although not as often as women until more recently. Why?

According to the executive producer of a reality series on cable television, more male nudity can be viewed as less repressed and more balanced to what is shown of women. In the movie Your Highness, the director said the shot of the Minotaur’s weenis (which comes out of nowhere) was the subject of much planning and internal debate from within and outside of the studio. Lighting, size and the state of arousal were all discussed at length to produce the final filmed scene. I imagine the same can be said of all the featured and cameo appearances of a man’s junk in television or film.

In the past, the scenes were so fast and so small, it was almost as if Hollywood was testing the waters of what would be acceptable by quick flashes and faraway, you-can-almost-make-out-a-no-no-part shot. It was shocking to see a man’s jigglies flash before your eyes on-screen, and sometimes it was so fast you wondered if that really happened. But actors have been known to take it off for a movie. Richard Gere did it in American Gigolo. Bruce Willis bared a close up of his itty bitties in The Colour of Night and although Wild Things was popular for other reasons, Kevin Bacon gives the full frontal in the cult classic. In Alexander, Colin Farrell bares it all for a wedding-night sex scene. Then there’s the unnecessary, bleach your eyes, nude wrestling scene between Sasha Baron-Cohen and his rather large sidekick, in Borat. Funny, but ever so gross, the image of the fat guy’s bits bouncing on Baron-Cohen’s face is forever imprinted into my brain.

What I came to conclude after much research and a lot of thinking is that man-junk is Hollywood’s new trump card. It’s the surprise, new element to making comedies even more funny and sex scenes more realistic. In other words, the creative geniuses that make movie magic happen have run out of ideas and pulled this out of their asses. Even though I don’t really care to see a man’s no-no parts, I can’t really complain. Those gratuitous scenes are part of some of my favorite new shows on cable.

Oh. My. Gosh. Look at his junk. I mean, it's so GROSS. It looks like one of those slim jims you get at the store. I mean, it's ... so ... WEIRD looking ...

Spanking: is it child abuse or a parent’s right?

I don’t spank my daughter anymore. Actually, I stopped spanking her when she was still a toddler because, as a form of discipline, it wasn’t working. Nothing made that fact more clear than when her father gave her a choice between getting a spanking or having her television privileges revoked and she weighed-in on which would be worse by asking how many spankings she would get. She was 4-years old. From that point on, we realized the more effective disciplinary action would be to start restricting her fun stuff.

But for some parents, spankings work and who are we to tell them they may not discipline their kids as they see fit? I ask this because I recently came across an article written by a woman who was abused as a child and considered calling the police on a parent who spanked her child in a public place because she felt it was child abuse. She went on to ask, “how can we work to eradicate child abuse when it’s legal to spank?” She continued to state her case by saying spanking is assault and battery, noting that there are even a few states that have passed anti-spanking laws.

Whoa. That’s a little dramatic.

Child abuse and neglect are defined by federal and state laws. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, child abuse is any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm, or the rape, and in cases of caretaker or interfamilial relationships, statutory rape, molestation, prostitution, or other form of sexual exploitation of children, or incest with children. Whew. That was a mouthful.

Let’s go ahead and break that down:

Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is generally defined as "any non-accidental, physical injury to the child" and can include striking, kicking, burning or biting, or any action that results in a physical impairment of the child. In approximately 38 states, the definition of abuse also includes acts or circumstances that threaten the child with harm or create a substantial risk of harm to the child's health or welfare.

Neglect:
Neglect is frequently defined as the failure of a parent or other person with responsibility for the child to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision such that the child's health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm. Approximately 24 states include failure to educate the child as required by law in their definition of neglect. Seven states specifically define medical neglect as failing to provide any special medical treatment or mental health care needed by the child. In addition, four States define as medical neglect the withholding of medical treatment or nutrition from disabled infants with life-threatening conditions.

Sexual Abuse/Exploitation
All States include sexual abuse in their definitions of child abuse. Some States refer in general terms to sexual abuse, while others specify various acts as sexual abuse. Sexual exploitation is an element of the definition of sexual abuse in most jurisdictions. Sexual exploitation includes allowing the child to engage in prostitution or in the production of child pornography.

Emotional Abuse
Almost all States include emotional maltreatment as part of their definitions of abuse or neglect. Approximately 32 States provide specific definitions of emotional abuse or mental injury to a child. Typical language used in these definitions is "injury to the psychological capacity or emotional stability of the child as evidenced by an observable or substantial change in behavior, emotional response or cognition," or as evidenced by "anxiety, depression, withdrawal, or aggressive behavior."

Parental Substance Abuse
* Parental substance abuse is an element of the definition of child abuse or neglect in some States. Circumstances that are considered abuse or neglect in some States include:
* Prenatal exposure of a child to harm due to the mother's use of an illegal drug or other substance (14 states and the District of Columbia).
* Manufacture of a controlled substance in the presence of a child or on the premises occupied by a child (10 states).
* Allowing a child to be present where the chemicals or equipment for the manufacture of controlled substances are used or stored (three states).
* Selling, distributing, or giving drugs or alcohol to a child (seven states).
* Use of a controlled substance by a caregiver that impairs the caregiver's ability to adequately care for the child (seven states).

Abandonment
In general, it is considered abandonment of the child when the parent's identity or whereabouts are unknown, the child has been left by the parent in circumstances in which the child suffers serious harm or the parent has failed to maintain contact with the child or to provide reasonable support for a specified period of time.

As for anti-spanking laws, I couldn’t find one state law that prohibits a parent from spanking their children. What I did find was that some states defined what is considered abuse by whether a mark is left and how long the child sports the mark – even if it’s just a spanking. So, if you spank your child on the leg and your hand print is left longer than the state definition allows, you will be looking at a visit from child protective services if you are reported.

Most of us who are over a certain age, and even some who aren’t as old, remember getting spanked growing up. I know I do, and I can tell you that I never did the same thing twice if I got spanked for it the first time. My parents totally believed in the power of the hand on my ass to get their point across. When that didn’t work, they moved on to more effective means of discipline like taking away privileges and manual labor. It worked, I didn’t turn out too bad.

Going back to the article about the woman who wanted to report a parent for spanking a child, people should mind their own business unless they witness someone beating or mistreating a child as defined by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and the law. Let me just emphasize that spanking is not considered a beating – a beating will leave a bruise. Some might argue that corporal punishment leaves an emotional scar or mark on a child that they carry into adulthood. Well, so does name-calling on the playground. Everyone has a different parenting technique which includes how they choose to discipline their children. Some believe in spankings, while others choose to try alternative methods of discipline. Some might even start with spanking and move onto something different when that doesn’t work anymore, like me and my daughter’s dad. But whatever the method, it’s a parent’s right, not anyone else’s, to decide what works for them.

EXTRA: a study conducted last year resulted in finding that children spanked up to the age of six, are likely to perform better at school as a teenager, were more likely to carry out volunteer work and to want to go to college than their peers who had never been physically disciplined.

What I learned about alien invasions from Hollywood

We are not alone in the universe; the truth is out there.

Out of all the planets in the universe, aliens will come to Earth first.
Earth is a magnet for alien invasions.

Aliens will always target Los Angeles or New York City first, so it’s safer to live in more obscure areas of the country like Fayetteville, NC; Sparks, NV; Killeen, TX; Miami, FL; or anywhere in Europe and Asia.

Aliens look just like us, but they don’t really. If you have these special glasses, you can see their true form.

Aliens don’t really come in peace. They come to destroy all life on earth so they can re-colonize it.

The military is involved in a cover-up conspiracy involving the existence of UFOs because anyone non-military “can’t handle the truth.”

There will always be one alien who falls in love with a human, fathers a half-breed child and helps the humans.

The military and all its high tech weapons will be useless against the aliens.

It's our fault that aliens even know about our planet, what with sending out messages via frequency modulated radio waves in hopes of starting a conversation with them. Well, all we've done is alert them to our advancing technology and planetary resources.

Only one person can save the world in the event of an alien invasion and it won’t be you. He will be a single dad, widower or a soon-to-be-retired military dude.

That said, if you happen to meet one, you have a 50/50 chance of surviving the invasion.

English is the intergalactic language and all aliens are fluent.

Water, a baseball bat and a cold virus are useful in defending yourself in case of an alien encounter. If you own a MAC and are proficient in computer programming/hacking, you can defeat alien technology. If you have the flu, sneeze or cough on them.

Aliens are only teaching earthlings a lesson for slowly destroying the Earth by totally annihilating the planet and population in a few days.

Alien abductions are real and they are traumatizing – if you can remember them.

If the military compiled a list of all the alien invasion movies and conducted an extensive study of the footage of all the different scenarios of an attack, it may have a chance at thwarting an invasion.

That said, alien scouts have already been sent ahead to infiltrate, learn and report back to the mothership/planet and will no doubt have access to that information so their leaders can form alternate attack plans.

In the end, aliens will attack and destroy everything on Earth, but the human race will eventually win and have to start over.

If you play video games, you can easily pilot an alien ship and even figure out their weapon systems.

Thunder Cats: To Catch a Cougar

“Cougars are all the rage, but don’t let ‘em out they cage, ancient and middle aged, want c***s and botox in they face … they ain’t even gotta be that old, if they’re twice ya age, ya good to go. Young girls, they all right, but a night with a cougar: PRICELESS” – Dirt Nasty, “Cougars”

Seriously, all the hype surrounding the cougar phenomenon is doing nothing more than to create unrealistic expectations, and sometimes unfair, judgments when it comes to single, older women. It’s like being a superhero; cougars now have a responsibility to not disappoint. They even get their own set of stripes: any kind of animal print. Maybe a Cougar League of America is in order, where women who meet the requirements of being a cougar can register, get a membership card and handbook with rules and regulations, and even pick their own cougar name with a cougar power. Mine would be Persian Honey; my cougar power would be sexting – I’ve watched enough porn to know what guys wanna read.

“Ridonculous.”

Let’s clarify a point: if a woman is dating a man more than 15 to 20 years younger, then she’s definitively a cougar. A lesser age gap is not enough to stereotype (sorry girls who are in a hurry to own the term for their own – age minimum is 35-40 FYI). What surprises me is how many chicks want this title, almost as many as those quick to define themselves as a MILF. Neither term is complimentary, but to be sure, I’d rather be called a cougar than a MILF. I remember a time when women who dated boys were called cradle-robbers. It wasn’t cool … unless it was porn and told from the dude’s perspective; then it was hot.

So, boys want to know how to score an older chick. They think older women don’t come with the same drama and expectations younger women have when it comes to relationships and are dynamite in the sack. News flash, young grasshoppas: few things change, as women get older, when it comes to relationship expectations (except they are well versed in the dirty, having many years to hone their skills). If anything, older chicks take less crap, want more and settle for less. It’s a lot to put up with for nothing more than some ass. There are tons of Web advisors – mostly men - offering advice on how to catch a cougar. Apparently there’s a few considerations to be taken like wardrobe, how to act, sexy talk techniques and even which locations are crawling with cougars. Here’s a clue: if older women are predators, they’ve already spotted you before you even walked through the door. Heads up, buttercup, she’s already stalking you.

If you really want to catch a cougar, guys, and you’re lucky enough to meet one who doesn’t ask if you own a lawnmower or who knows your mom from bridge night with the girls, here’s a few things to keep in mind:

1. She is not a sugarmomma or meal ticket. Yeah, she might make more money than you, but she appreciates a guy that picks up the tab as much as she does. You wanna be wined and dined? Become an escort. You want your life paid for? Get a job.
2. She is not your mom. It’s not her job to clean up after you, keep your scheduled appointments or run errands for you. She probably has kids of her own; if she has time to realize you’re a kid yourself, it’s over. Because while men consider it a bragging right to hook up with their college-age daughter’s friends, women who are mentally stable won’t date their son’s friends.
3. Age jokes can be funny, as well as pointing out a wrinkle or gray hair, but if that’s all you have in your vault, lock it and shelve them. No need to remind a cougar that she is older than you by several generations unless you want to get rid of one. Women already don’t take the whole ‘growing old gracefully’ thing well. If you constantly throw it in their face, they will probably get rid of you. It’s cheaper than cosmetic surgery.
4. When you’re out together and someone mistakes her for your mom, man up and do something that says otherwise. Especially if that someone is a younger girl. Be creative and clever, but not vulgar. I promise, the reward will be worth the effort.
5. Don’t be that insecure bastard who can’t appreciate a woman smarter than him. She’s older, if she didn’t know more, you might as well be dating your high school sweetheart. You know, the chick that broke up with you to head out West to become an actress/model/dancer/whatever, only to come back a few years later to work at the local Dairy Queen because she didn’t have a back-up plan. Cougars are smart, self-assured women who have made their mistakes and are comfortable in their own bodies - they won’t put up with stupid shit or sweat the small stuff. Besides, isn’t it that knowledge that’s so appealing? Just think of her as a sexy librarian or the hot teacher you’re allowed to bone without getting in trouble.

I’m 37 years old and have dated younger men. It was my own brother who called me out as a cougar five years ago, giving me a complex that prompted me to re-evaluate my dating preference. I am not sex-starved, rich or looking for a boy toy. Men more than half my age serve no purpose other than to satisfy a need that can easily be met by a battery-operated boyfriend. There’s no need for a guy who can’t stimulate me other than in the bedroom. It’s the same with most women, even those who go through a phase where they are not looking for a relationship, just some fun. It’s these women who, no doubt, set the stereotype for the rest of us.

So, where can you meet an older woman? Ha ha, relax, stud. If she’s a cougar, she’ll find you. Rawr.

Happy Feet: A pedicure story

Pedicures are an unnecessary luxury I thought I would never waste my time or money on. I don’t like people touching my feet, much less massaging them and giving them facials. It just seemed pointless to pamper a part of my body most people will never pay attention to or see – unless they have a fetish or check out my shoes. Why should I get a pedicure?

Because I have ugly feet.

It didn't matter to me as I could mask the imperfections with lotion and polish. It worked until a few weeks ago, when I received a gift basket (from my boyfriend) with foot spa stuff which included a stone, scrubby-thingy on a paddle. I’m honestly not sure if it was a hint, but I decided to treat myself to a 'do it yourself' pedicure. How hard could it be? Turns out, it's pretty hard if you don't know what you're doing. I ended up making my foot situation even worse – rendering me to require professional help.

Enter Salon Nails in the food court of the mall: a very ghetto-posh, Asian run, mini-spa that can take care of all your grooming needs from brow shaping to nails and feet. It was there I was introduced to Jason*. Jason is a talented nail and foot technician and a man of few words – in English. However, he took one look at my feet, one at my face, and again at my feet and shook his head.

“You a pretty girl, but you feet is all jacked up.”

I know this, Jason, that’s why I’m here.

“I do my best. You have boyfriend?”

Why yes, I do. *blush*

“How you boyfriend still around wit you feet like dat?”

Jason has a sense of humor, not unlike Dat Phan from Last Comic Standing. It's good that I can laugh at myself.

“Alright, what spa-pedicure package would you like?”

There were three different pedicure packages priced as follows:

$20 – for pretty feet that just want to be cleaned up.

$25 – for feet that might need more attention.

$35 – for my feet. This was the all-out, exfoliating, skin softening, toe-nail clipping and filing, total feet reconstruction package.


After looking at the price list, and mentally calculating available funds, I asked for the $20 treatment. Jason, who had been examining my feet to survey the extent of work that would be needed, looked up at me over the rim of his reading glasses while rolling up my pant legs and placing my feet in the spa water.

“You sure ‘bout dat? You have all dis hard skin and cuticle that need to come off. The 20 dollar package only inlcude basic wash, trim and polish. I thought you want you feet fixed.”

Okay … then the $25.

Jason raised his eyebrows.

Alright, fine, the $35 package. You better make my feet look like foot models, Jason.

“Good choice, now maybe you have chance to keep boyfriend.”

He’s a funny guy.

Jason proceeded to apply some kind of spa stuff to my feet, one at a time and scrubbed them until it tickled and I had to jerk my feet away from him. Then he produced a utensil that looked to be a cross between a spoon, a bottle opener and a cheese grater – and went after the calloused skin on the bottom of my feet. Get it, Jason! This probably took the longest and included periodic glances up at me so he could give me the “this is what happen when you not take care of you feet” look. When he was done skinning my feet, he masked my legs, soaked my feet in hot wax and then painted my toenails red.

“It’s a pretty color, you boyfriend like.”

I’m not going to lie, my feet looked amazing when Jason finished his artful restoration of skin and toenails. They were smooth and shiny and soft and pink and – I was wondering if they did full body treatments. Jason seemed impressed with his own work. He even smiled at me.

Then it was like something occurred to Jason.

“Let me see you finger nails.”

I didn’t want to, I could tell I wasn’t going to get out of there without getting a manicure.

“Tsk. Come sit in chair, I give you full set, 19 dollar.”

But I don’t really want long nails, I have to typ-

“You gonna lose you boyfriend if you not take care of you hand and feet. I do manicure free wit full set.”

How can I argue with free. According to Jason, men like well groomed women and even though I clean up well, the day to day of being me doesn’t include a lot of time to make sure I look like a model. Maybe with fancy feet and nails, I can at least look like I put in more of an effort than I actually do.

So, I let Jason give me porn star nails at a working class length. When I left the salon two hours after I got there, I had perfect hands and feet. My hair and eyebrows were pretty jacked, but those would have to wait for another day. Although I love the superficial upgrades to my extremities, I am not sure I can affored the rdent in my bank account on a regular.

*name changed, however I am sure his name wasn't Jason when he entered the United States.

Don't go changing because of one constellation ....

So, it's all over the news and the Internet: there's a new zodiac sign and it's

reassigning everyone else's sign as it makes room for itself on the zodiac wheel. If you were a Virgo before, you might now be a Leo according to the 'new zodiac' dates. Some people are in an uproar, others are in denial and a few even seem to have realized their true identity as they never felt like the sign they were born under. Does it matter? In the larger scope of things, probably not. But to a lot of people who have tatted their zodiac emblem on their bodies, it's kind of a big deal.

What is this new sign?

Ophiuchus. From November 29 to December 17, the sun briefly enters this constellation. In Greek mythology, Ophiuchus is thought to be a healer and the son of Apollo who became so skilled that he could bring the dead back to life. Hades became so angry that he convinced Zeus to kill Ophiucus with a lightening bolt and he was placed in the stars as a constellation. Another story is Ophiuchus is Imhotep, Egypt's first architect, engineer and physician as well as the high priest to the sun god Ra. This is the sign of the healer and also called Serpentarius.

Is this really a new sign?

No. Ophiuchus has been around for a long time, but it has been blended in with Scorpio. The way the sky is divided up, Virgo is actually a large constellation, but in astrology everything is placed in 30 degrees of 12. There is no need for a 13th sign and those dates are not the dates that are used by Tropical astrologers.

What does this mean to you?

Depends on whether you are having an identity crisis and are looking to place the blame on something ridiculous or have a permanent shrine to your sign tatted on your body. Most people use astrology as an ice-breaker and not as a definition of their character or to map their day to day activities and life decisions. We would hope.

Why now?

Who knows? When the world gets boring, someone has to make a big deal about something, why not throw a wrench into the zodiac system and incite mass panic in the astrological community and people in general? Maybe Sidereal astrology wants to have a shot at the popularity that Tropical astrology has enjoyed for thousands of years. Or the war in the Middle East is no longer exciting news, so let's jack up the zodiac for the planet and see what happens.

What can I do? Do I change my sign?

It's not like you're moving from one house to another ... well, astrologically speaking you would be, but it depends on how you feel about your current sign and how much influence all this has on your life. I have a feeling this will pass and you will not find Ophiuchus/Serpentarius in Cosmo's yearly Horoscope Sex-tacular issue. In the long run you are still who you were before this new sign was introduced, seemingly out of nowhere. Think about how many astrology books are out on the market by noted professionals in that field. If they thought it was a big deal, the sign would have been incorporated on it's own a long time ago.

According to StarJack, as quoted in a blog for the Washington Post:

"The stars are markers that drift, but our main points of reference are not directly the stars. They are the equinoxes (both spring and vernal) and the solstices which altogether make the four cardinal points of the zodiac which in turn determine the signs. The stars help us locate those points which define the SIGNS of the Zodiac which remain constant in relation to the equinox point. The CONSTELLATIONS do move about and we take that into consideration when locating planets."

Closing thoughts:

I heard this news on the radio the other morning and it shocked my daughter to think that she would no longer be a Capricorn. She's 13 and this is an acceptable reaction for a 13 year old. My reaction was surprise that this was actually news and that it was affecting adults to the point they were distraught over having to rearrange their lives according to a new zodiac sign. Some people embraced their new sign. It was like finding out they were adopted and found their birth parents. Others stubbornly refused to change their sign at all, staying loyal.

There have been articles as far back as 2007 talking about the 13th sign and how it's not recognized in mainstream astrology. So, folks, if you have defined your life or based your decisions on your zodiac sign, nothing has changed. If you're reading this and have no clue what I'm talking about, kudos for having a life.

In case you don't know the star chart, here's what constellation your sign fell under 2,000 years ago:

Aries: March 21 - April 19

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

Cancer: June 21 - July 22

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Libra: September 23 - October 22

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18

Pisces: February 19 - March 20

So, don't go changing because of one constellation ....

All Ho's Eve

It’s fast approaching one of the most popular ‘holidays’ of the year: All Ho’s Eve – I mean, All Hallows Eve … or Halloween. As a kid, I remember dressing up on Halloween and going door to door to ask stranger neighbors for candy without getting in trouble. As an adult, I see Halloween from a different perspective. It’s not about trick or treating for cavities, scary movies and haunted houses. Now, it’s all about exhibitionism and boy do people love to put what they have – be it just enough, not enough or too much – on display.

See, Halloween is like a free pass for chicks to wear the Frederick’s of Hollywood version of their fave Disney princess, superheroine, uniformed occupation or generic hottie in public and not get arrested for hooking. And every guy looks forward to getting to see that much ass without having to pay for it. It’s like a skinfest of sexy Snow Whites, Wonder Womans, nurses, cops and anything else chicks can simplify into a pair of boy-shorts, a bra, angel wings and hooker heels. In other words, every city in America becomes the Red Light District of Amsterdam.

Why do ladies like to show off their goodies so much? Because they have them, they know boys like to see them and they like the attention. If Ms. SeXXXy Cop tells you she doesn’t like being gawked at like a brand new BMW in a used car lot, she’s lying as sure as she’s shaking her barely covered ass while stumbling in front of hot guys in those shiny, black, platform hooker boots. Seriously, take a moment to watch the cameras come out as groups of costumed chicks position themselves in highly visible areas of the club and do “sexy, kissy-faced poses” that they can all, “post on my Facebook!!!” Halloween is pretty serious business for gals on the prowl, attention starved chicks and THAT girl.

That girl is me. The one girl dressed up in a costume she doesn’t quite look like she belongs in but making a gallant effort to sell ‘the look.’ I found that my once trusty, traditional length Dorothy costume was outdated and so I upgraded to my very own slutty outfit: the Sexy Pirate Wench. It would have worked great if I had been a few inches taller, sported a fuller, bigger bustline and was able to afford the $40 buccaneer hat and $60 pirate boots. After that year, I decided to go even sluttier and invested in the XXX version of my fave Disney princess, Snow White. It was so much of a hit that this year I think I will go full whore, but I guarantee I will pull that off as badly as the pirate wench and Snow White.

I’m not saying guys don’t show skin, but typically they are not as much fun to look at when you consider they mostly dress for comfort, humor and the ability to geek it out once a year and keep their social status card. Some dudes will find something they know the ladies will want to see like the hottie Dr. McDreamy, maybe a Spartan or some other costume made to show off chiseled abs whether they have them or not. The trick is to find the triple threat: something they can easily double fist alcohol in, still look like they made an effort and functions as an ice-breaker in talking to chicks.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging. As a matter of fact, I look forward to all the people watching and the opportunity for me to partake in the skin-tastic festivities wearing my own barely-there version of some popular character while documenting all of it with my camera. Speaking of popular characters, out of curiosity, I looked up what costumes would be hot this year and this is what Google tells me:

Lady Gaga: it’s true, the pop phenomenon has licensed her low cut, blue unitard and matching gloves so that you can be Lady Gaga for an evening. There will no doubt be at least one guy dressed as the Lady G in a bid to win a costume contest.

Snooki: because every chick wants to be Snooki! She’s little, she’s outspoken and now she’s a Halloween costume. How fitting.

LeBron James: yeah, can’t figure this one out.

Iron Man: some comic book nerd will definitely geek it up as the metallic hero version of Tony Stark. You know he’s a nerd because the Iron Man costume doesn’t show enough skin or muscle to be a chick attraction.

Black Widow: c’mon, what girl didn’t envision herself in that uber-tight, black leather, cellulite whipping and shaping costume that Scarlett Johansson filled out so nicely?

Twilight’s Edward and Bella: if you’re married and the wife likes the series, guess what you guys are doing as a couple? Hey, last year it was shirtless Harry and sexy Hermione – not that it wasn’t weird to see characters from a kid’s movie turn so … adult.

Michael Jackson: always a hit for 80s parties and Halloween. The white-gloved mega-star lives on after his death in the hearts, iPods and as a staple at Halloween parties everywhere for one night a year.

Rounding out the top costumes for this year will be Spartans, vampires and werewolves (thank you again, Twilight), angels, witches, doctors, DC and Marvel heroes, cheerleaders and princesses. I honestly don’t know how we chicks wear the little that we do on Halloween and not freeze our buns off, but dudes better be grateful.

Boo, y’all.