What I learned about alien invasions from Hollywood

We are not alone in the universe; the truth is out there.

Out of all the planets in the universe, aliens will come to Earth first.
Earth is a magnet for alien invasions.

Aliens will always target Los Angeles or New York City first, so it’s safer to live in more obscure areas of the country like Fayetteville, NC; Sparks, NV; Killeen, TX; Miami, FL; or anywhere in Europe and Asia.

Aliens look just like us, but they don’t really. If you have these special glasses, you can see their true form.

Aliens don’t really come in peace. They come to destroy all life on earth so they can re-colonize it.

The military is involved in a cover-up conspiracy involving the existence of UFOs because anyone non-military “can’t handle the truth.”

There will always be one alien who falls in love with a human, fathers a half-breed child and helps the humans.

The military and all its high tech weapons will be useless against the aliens.

It's our fault that aliens even know about our planet, what with sending out messages via frequency modulated radio waves in hopes of starting a conversation with them. Well, all we've done is alert them to our advancing technology and planetary resources.

Only one person can save the world in the event of an alien invasion and it won’t be you. He will be a single dad, widower or a soon-to-be-retired military dude.

That said, if you happen to meet one, you have a 50/50 chance of surviving the invasion.

English is the intergalactic language and all aliens are fluent.

Water, a baseball bat and a cold virus are useful in defending yourself in case of an alien encounter. If you own a MAC and are proficient in computer programming/hacking, you can defeat alien technology. If you have the flu, sneeze or cough on them.

Aliens are only teaching earthlings a lesson for slowly destroying the Earth by totally annihilating the planet and population in a few days.

Alien abductions are real and they are traumatizing – if you can remember them.

If the military compiled a list of all the alien invasion movies and conducted an extensive study of the footage of all the different scenarios of an attack, it may have a chance at thwarting an invasion.

That said, alien scouts have already been sent ahead to infiltrate, learn and report back to the mothership/planet and will no doubt have access to that information so their leaders can form alternate attack plans.

In the end, aliens will attack and destroy everything on Earth, but the human race will eventually win and have to start over.

If you play video games, you can easily pilot an alien ship and even figure out their weapon systems.

Thunder Cats: To Catch a Cougar

“Cougars are all the rage, but don’t let ‘em out they cage, ancient and middle aged, want c***s and botox in they face … they ain’t even gotta be that old, if they’re twice ya age, ya good to go. Young girls, they all right, but a night with a cougar: PRICELESS” – Dirt Nasty, “Cougars”

Seriously, all the hype surrounding the cougar phenomenon is doing nothing more than to create unrealistic expectations, and sometimes unfair, judgments when it comes to single, older women. It’s like being a superhero; cougars now have a responsibility to not disappoint. They even get their own set of stripes: any kind of animal print. Maybe a Cougar League of America is in order, where women who meet the requirements of being a cougar can register, get a membership card and handbook with rules and regulations, and even pick their own cougar name with a cougar power. Mine would be Persian Honey; my cougar power would be sexting – I’ve watched enough porn to know what guys wanna read.

“Ridonculous.”

Let’s clarify a point: if a woman is dating a man more than 15 to 20 years younger, then she’s definitively a cougar. A lesser age gap is not enough to stereotype (sorry girls who are in a hurry to own the term for their own – age minimum is 35-40 FYI). What surprises me is how many chicks want this title, almost as many as those quick to define themselves as a MILF. Neither term is complimentary, but to be sure, I’d rather be called a cougar than a MILF. I remember a time when women who dated boys were called cradle-robbers. It wasn’t cool … unless it was porn and told from the dude’s perspective; then it was hot.

So, boys want to know how to score an older chick. They think older women don’t come with the same drama and expectations younger women have when it comes to relationships and are dynamite in the sack. News flash, young grasshoppas: few things change, as women get older, when it comes to relationship expectations (except they are well versed in the dirty, having many years to hone their skills). If anything, older chicks take less crap, want more and settle for less. It’s a lot to put up with for nothing more than some ass. There are tons of Web advisors – mostly men - offering advice on how to catch a cougar. Apparently there’s a few considerations to be taken like wardrobe, how to act, sexy talk techniques and even which locations are crawling with cougars. Here’s a clue: if older women are predators, they’ve already spotted you before you even walked through the door. Heads up, buttercup, she’s already stalking you.

If you really want to catch a cougar, guys, and you’re lucky enough to meet one who doesn’t ask if you own a lawnmower or who knows your mom from bridge night with the girls, here’s a few things to keep in mind:

1. She is not a sugarmomma or meal ticket. Yeah, she might make more money than you, but she appreciates a guy that picks up the tab as much as she does. You wanna be wined and dined? Become an escort. You want your life paid for? Get a job.
2. She is not your mom. It’s not her job to clean up after you, keep your scheduled appointments or run errands for you. She probably has kids of her own; if she has time to realize you’re a kid yourself, it’s over. Because while men consider it a bragging right to hook up with their college-age daughter’s friends, women who are mentally stable won’t date their son’s friends.
3. Age jokes can be funny, as well as pointing out a wrinkle or gray hair, but if that’s all you have in your vault, lock it and shelve them. No need to remind a cougar that she is older than you by several generations unless you want to get rid of one. Women already don’t take the whole ‘growing old gracefully’ thing well. If you constantly throw it in their face, they will probably get rid of you. It’s cheaper than cosmetic surgery.
4. When you’re out together and someone mistakes her for your mom, man up and do something that says otherwise. Especially if that someone is a younger girl. Be creative and clever, but not vulgar. I promise, the reward will be worth the effort.
5. Don’t be that insecure bastard who can’t appreciate a woman smarter than him. She’s older, if she didn’t know more, you might as well be dating your high school sweetheart. You know, the chick that broke up with you to head out West to become an actress/model/dancer/whatever, only to come back a few years later to work at the local Dairy Queen because she didn’t have a back-up plan. Cougars are smart, self-assured women who have made their mistakes and are comfortable in their own bodies - they won’t put up with stupid shit or sweat the small stuff. Besides, isn’t it that knowledge that’s so appealing? Just think of her as a sexy librarian or the hot teacher you’re allowed to bone without getting in trouble.

I’m 37 years old and have dated younger men. It was my own brother who called me out as a cougar five years ago, giving me a complex that prompted me to re-evaluate my dating preference. I am not sex-starved, rich or looking for a boy toy. Men more than half my age serve no purpose other than to satisfy a need that can easily be met by a battery-operated boyfriend. There’s no need for a guy who can’t stimulate me other than in the bedroom. It’s the same with most women, even those who go through a phase where they are not looking for a relationship, just some fun. It’s these women who, no doubt, set the stereotype for the rest of us.

So, where can you meet an older woman? Ha ha, relax, stud. If she’s a cougar, she’ll find you. Rawr.

Happy Feet: A pedicure story

Pedicures are an unnecessary luxury I thought I would never waste my time or money on. I don’t like people touching my feet, much less massaging them and giving them facials. It just seemed pointless to pamper a part of my body most people will never pay attention to or see – unless they have a fetish or check out my shoes. Why should I get a pedicure?

Because I have ugly feet.

It didn't matter to me as I could mask the imperfections with lotion and polish. It worked until a few weeks ago, when I received a gift basket (from my boyfriend) with foot spa stuff which included a stone, scrubby-thingy on a paddle. I’m honestly not sure if it was a hint, but I decided to treat myself to a 'do it yourself' pedicure. How hard could it be? Turns out, it's pretty hard if you don't know what you're doing. I ended up making my foot situation even worse – rendering me to require professional help.

Enter Salon Nails in the food court of the mall: a very ghetto-posh, Asian run, mini-spa that can take care of all your grooming needs from brow shaping to nails and feet. It was there I was introduced to Jason*. Jason is a talented nail and foot technician and a man of few words – in English. However, he took one look at my feet, one at my face, and again at my feet and shook his head.

“You a pretty girl, but you feet is all jacked up.”

I know this, Jason, that’s why I’m here.

“I do my best. You have boyfriend?”

Why yes, I do. *blush*

“How you boyfriend still around wit you feet like dat?”

Jason has a sense of humor, not unlike Dat Phan from Last Comic Standing. It's good that I can laugh at myself.

“Alright, what spa-pedicure package would you like?”

There were three different pedicure packages priced as follows:

$20 – for pretty feet that just want to be cleaned up.

$25 – for feet that might need more attention.

$35 – for my feet. This was the all-out, exfoliating, skin softening, toe-nail clipping and filing, total feet reconstruction package.


After looking at the price list, and mentally calculating available funds, I asked for the $20 treatment. Jason, who had been examining my feet to survey the extent of work that would be needed, looked up at me over the rim of his reading glasses while rolling up my pant legs and placing my feet in the spa water.

“You sure ‘bout dat? You have all dis hard skin and cuticle that need to come off. The 20 dollar package only inlcude basic wash, trim and polish. I thought you want you feet fixed.”

Okay … then the $25.

Jason raised his eyebrows.

Alright, fine, the $35 package. You better make my feet look like foot models, Jason.

“Good choice, now maybe you have chance to keep boyfriend.”

He’s a funny guy.

Jason proceeded to apply some kind of spa stuff to my feet, one at a time and scrubbed them until it tickled and I had to jerk my feet away from him. Then he produced a utensil that looked to be a cross between a spoon, a bottle opener and a cheese grater – and went after the calloused skin on the bottom of my feet. Get it, Jason! This probably took the longest and included periodic glances up at me so he could give me the “this is what happen when you not take care of you feet” look. When he was done skinning my feet, he masked my legs, soaked my feet in hot wax and then painted my toenails red.

“It’s a pretty color, you boyfriend like.”

I’m not going to lie, my feet looked amazing when Jason finished his artful restoration of skin and toenails. They were smooth and shiny and soft and pink and – I was wondering if they did full body treatments. Jason seemed impressed with his own work. He even smiled at me.

Then it was like something occurred to Jason.

“Let me see you finger nails.”

I didn’t want to, I could tell I wasn’t going to get out of there without getting a manicure.

“Tsk. Come sit in chair, I give you full set, 19 dollar.”

But I don’t really want long nails, I have to typ-

“You gonna lose you boyfriend if you not take care of you hand and feet. I do manicure free wit full set.”

How can I argue with free. According to Jason, men like well groomed women and even though I clean up well, the day to day of being me doesn’t include a lot of time to make sure I look like a model. Maybe with fancy feet and nails, I can at least look like I put in more of an effort than I actually do.

So, I let Jason give me porn star nails at a working class length. When I left the salon two hours after I got there, I had perfect hands and feet. My hair and eyebrows were pretty jacked, but those would have to wait for another day. Although I love the superficial upgrades to my extremities, I am not sure I can affored the rdent in my bank account on a regular.

*name changed, however I am sure his name wasn't Jason when he entered the United States.

Don't go changing because of one constellation ....

So, it's all over the news and the Internet: there's a new zodiac sign and it's

reassigning everyone else's sign as it makes room for itself on the zodiac wheel. If you were a Virgo before, you might now be a Leo according to the 'new zodiac' dates. Some people are in an uproar, others are in denial and a few even seem to have realized their true identity as they never felt like the sign they were born under. Does it matter? In the larger scope of things, probably not. But to a lot of people who have tatted their zodiac emblem on their bodies, it's kind of a big deal.

What is this new sign?

Ophiuchus. From November 29 to December 17, the sun briefly enters this constellation. In Greek mythology, Ophiuchus is thought to be a healer and the son of Apollo who became so skilled that he could bring the dead back to life. Hades became so angry that he convinced Zeus to kill Ophiucus with a lightening bolt and he was placed in the stars as a constellation. Another story is Ophiuchus is Imhotep, Egypt's first architect, engineer and physician as well as the high priest to the sun god Ra. This is the sign of the healer and also called Serpentarius.

Is this really a new sign?

No. Ophiuchus has been around for a long time, but it has been blended in with Scorpio. The way the sky is divided up, Virgo is actually a large constellation, but in astrology everything is placed in 30 degrees of 12. There is no need for a 13th sign and those dates are not the dates that are used by Tropical astrologers.

What does this mean to you?

Depends on whether you are having an identity crisis and are looking to place the blame on something ridiculous or have a permanent shrine to your sign tatted on your body. Most people use astrology as an ice-breaker and not as a definition of their character or to map their day to day activities and life decisions. We would hope.

Why now?

Who knows? When the world gets boring, someone has to make a big deal about something, why not throw a wrench into the zodiac system and incite mass panic in the astrological community and people in general? Maybe Sidereal astrology wants to have a shot at the popularity that Tropical astrology has enjoyed for thousands of years. Or the war in the Middle East is no longer exciting news, so let's jack up the zodiac for the planet and see what happens.

What can I do? Do I change my sign?

It's not like you're moving from one house to another ... well, astrologically speaking you would be, but it depends on how you feel about your current sign and how much influence all this has on your life. I have a feeling this will pass and you will not find Ophiuchus/Serpentarius in Cosmo's yearly Horoscope Sex-tacular issue. In the long run you are still who you were before this new sign was introduced, seemingly out of nowhere. Think about how many astrology books are out on the market by noted professionals in that field. If they thought it was a big deal, the sign would have been incorporated on it's own a long time ago.

According to StarJack, as quoted in a blog for the Washington Post:

"The stars are markers that drift, but our main points of reference are not directly the stars. They are the equinoxes (both spring and vernal) and the solstices which altogether make the four cardinal points of the zodiac which in turn determine the signs. The stars help us locate those points which define the SIGNS of the Zodiac which remain constant in relation to the equinox point. The CONSTELLATIONS do move about and we take that into consideration when locating planets."

Closing thoughts:

I heard this news on the radio the other morning and it shocked my daughter to think that she would no longer be a Capricorn. She's 13 and this is an acceptable reaction for a 13 year old. My reaction was surprise that this was actually news and that it was affecting adults to the point they were distraught over having to rearrange their lives according to a new zodiac sign. Some people embraced their new sign. It was like finding out they were adopted and found their birth parents. Others stubbornly refused to change their sign at all, staying loyal.

There have been articles as far back as 2007 talking about the 13th sign and how it's not recognized in mainstream astrology. So, folks, if you have defined your life or based your decisions on your zodiac sign, nothing has changed. If you're reading this and have no clue what I'm talking about, kudos for having a life.

In case you don't know the star chart, here's what constellation your sign fell under 2,000 years ago:

Aries: March 21 - April 19

Taurus: April 20 - May 20

Gemini: May 21 - June 20

Cancer: June 21 - July 22

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Libra: September 23 - October 22

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18

Pisces: February 19 - March 20

So, don't go changing because of one constellation ....

All Ho's Eve

It’s fast approaching one of the most popular ‘holidays’ of the year: All Ho’s Eve – I mean, All Hallows Eve … or Halloween. As a kid, I remember dressing up on Halloween and going door to door to ask stranger neighbors for candy without getting in trouble. As an adult, I see Halloween from a different perspective. It’s not about trick or treating for cavities, scary movies and haunted houses. Now, it’s all about exhibitionism and boy do people love to put what they have – be it just enough, not enough or too much – on display.

See, Halloween is like a free pass for chicks to wear the Frederick’s of Hollywood version of their fave Disney princess, superheroine, uniformed occupation or generic hottie in public and not get arrested for hooking. And every guy looks forward to getting to see that much ass without having to pay for it. It’s like a skinfest of sexy Snow Whites, Wonder Womans, nurses, cops and anything else chicks can simplify into a pair of boy-shorts, a bra, angel wings and hooker heels. In other words, every city in America becomes the Red Light District of Amsterdam.

Why do ladies like to show off their goodies so much? Because they have them, they know boys like to see them and they like the attention. If Ms. SeXXXy Cop tells you she doesn’t like being gawked at like a brand new BMW in a used car lot, she’s lying as sure as she’s shaking her barely covered ass while stumbling in front of hot guys in those shiny, black, platform hooker boots. Seriously, take a moment to watch the cameras come out as groups of costumed chicks position themselves in highly visible areas of the club and do “sexy, kissy-faced poses” that they can all, “post on my Facebook!!!” Halloween is pretty serious business for gals on the prowl, attention starved chicks and THAT girl.

That girl is me. The one girl dressed up in a costume she doesn’t quite look like she belongs in but making a gallant effort to sell ‘the look.’ I found that my once trusty, traditional length Dorothy costume was outdated and so I upgraded to my very own slutty outfit: the Sexy Pirate Wench. It would have worked great if I had been a few inches taller, sported a fuller, bigger bustline and was able to afford the $40 buccaneer hat and $60 pirate boots. After that year, I decided to go even sluttier and invested in the XXX version of my fave Disney princess, Snow White. It was so much of a hit that this year I think I will go full whore, but I guarantee I will pull that off as badly as the pirate wench and Snow White.

I’m not saying guys don’t show skin, but typically they are not as much fun to look at when you consider they mostly dress for comfort, humor and the ability to geek it out once a year and keep their social status card. Some dudes will find something they know the ladies will want to see like the hottie Dr. McDreamy, maybe a Spartan or some other costume made to show off chiseled abs whether they have them or not. The trick is to find the triple threat: something they can easily double fist alcohol in, still look like they made an effort and functions as an ice-breaker in talking to chicks.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging. As a matter of fact, I look forward to all the people watching and the opportunity for me to partake in the skin-tastic festivities wearing my own barely-there version of some popular character while documenting all of it with my camera. Speaking of popular characters, out of curiosity, I looked up what costumes would be hot this year and this is what Google tells me:

Lady Gaga: it’s true, the pop phenomenon has licensed her low cut, blue unitard and matching gloves so that you can be Lady Gaga for an evening. There will no doubt be at least one guy dressed as the Lady G in a bid to win a costume contest.

Snooki: because every chick wants to be Snooki! She’s little, she’s outspoken and now she’s a Halloween costume. How fitting.

LeBron James: yeah, can’t figure this one out.

Iron Man: some comic book nerd will definitely geek it up as the metallic hero version of Tony Stark. You know he’s a nerd because the Iron Man costume doesn’t show enough skin or muscle to be a chick attraction.

Black Widow: c’mon, what girl didn’t envision herself in that uber-tight, black leather, cellulite whipping and shaping costume that Scarlett Johansson filled out so nicely?

Twilight’s Edward and Bella: if you’re married and the wife likes the series, guess what you guys are doing as a couple? Hey, last year it was shirtless Harry and sexy Hermione – not that it wasn’t weird to see characters from a kid’s movie turn so … adult.

Michael Jackson: always a hit for 80s parties and Halloween. The white-gloved mega-star lives on after his death in the hearts, iPods and as a staple at Halloween parties everywhere for one night a year.

Rounding out the top costumes for this year will be Spartans, vampires and werewolves (thank you again, Twilight), angels, witches, doctors, DC and Marvel heroes, cheerleaders and princesses. I honestly don’t know how we chicks wear the little that we do on Halloween and not freeze our buns off, but dudes better be grateful.

Boo, y’all.


Mutilating the 80s

Rainbow Brite LARP group visits your town on 80s nite

While perusing photos on Facebook one morning, I noticed a photo of a group of young people dressed up like the cast from the cartoon “Rainbow Brite.” Their outfits were so colorful, tight, layered and loud in their proclamation of the era they were advertising: the 80s. Shorts over colored tights, fishnet gloves, a Kiss t-shirt, guitar shades and chem.-light necklaces, it looked like a regurgitation of everything rejected from the Madonna era. These kids, who were all probably just coming out of their moms’ wombs in the 80s, thought they had the style and attitude down. Truth was, they were giving everything good about the era my generation grew up in ‘a bad name’ (thank you Bon Jovi). But to be fair, it’s not really their fault. Hollywood is resurrecting the 80s by storm in movies and in television.

I blame anthology shows like “I Love The 80s” for showcasing the most ridiculous and bizarre talking points about a decade marked by the emergence of gold chains, big hair, slouchy sweaters and socks, hip hop, rap, R&B, and just about all the best chick flicks ever made. Two mega-music stars of the 80s seem to define the over-the-top fashion explosion of the era: Madonna and Michael Jackson. Of course, the rest of the celebrity population followed suit with outrageous fashion statements based on a chick who looked like a cheap version of every man’s fantasy in lace (whose style, I might add, became a selling point for exotic dance acts over the years) and a dude who wore one white glove and introduced us all to the Jeri Curl. God bless them both, but normal people didn’t dress like that on a daily.

Now, 30 years later, a new generation of 20-somethings have adopted the neon colors, lace, excessive rubberized accessories and even the music and movies as their own. Stone washed, waist high jeans cinched at the ankles, slouch socks (which the Hooters franchise has brought back – holla), Members Only jackets, underwear worn as outerwear and jelly bracelets were brought back out of hiding. Why? Because these new kids decided it’s fun to take an era and not only put their own spin on it, but say they know and love everything about the 80s from watching TVLand re-runs, Google and Wikipedia. What they don’t realize is the rest of us who actually lived it are shaking out heads as we laugh our asses off. It’s borderline insulting to those who were there.

For starters, unless anyone was a performer, cross-dresser or it was Halloween, we didn’t wear rock star wigs to go to a club. We preferred Aqua Net and Clairol color as it was all about being natural. It was lace for the ladies and fishnets for the gents but only if you were in a band, a naughty situation in a private room or working on Skin Street. All our clothes matched and seldom did any of us wear shorts over leggings unless it was spirit day at our high school. Those movies from the 80s that every generation loves to quote are the stories that inspired the population of our decade much like the graduation songs brought to the 90s by Boyz II Men and Bel Biv Devoe

What’s more is that we 80s folks have learned to progress with , fondly bringing it out in moderation and in small, acceptable, classy doses. Mostly to make fun of the same things VH1 and MTV have hired a mix of too-young-to-know and authentic 80s celebrity experts to recount the antics and blunders of a generation that’s become a popular party theme. These youngsters want to live and breathe another place and time for a party or as a lifestyle choice, they can at least respect the true look and feel of the era and understand the decade was about more than great movies, fun music, bright colors, big hair, interesting fashion statements (that no one wants to revisit) and the birth of a generation of 80s wannabes.

It was the start of the computer age, video games, beepers, introduction of the Post-It note by 3M, invention of the cellular phone and fashion misses like floppy shirts, white stilettos (thank you Valley Girls) and shoulder pads. MTV brought us the music video, Teen Beat Magazine turns moms (and dads) into pedophilic voyeurs of such underage sensations as Alyssa Milano, Scott Baio and Michael J. Fox (and will continue to do so throughout each new decade. Menudo was replaced by the New Kids on the Block as the new boyband sensation because they had the “Right Stuff.” Boy George. Jane Fonda teaches women about fitness through aerobic exercise while Suzanne Somers introduced lazy women who didn’t want to get up and move to the Thigh Master. This was also the decade that saw the end of the Cold War through the collapse of the Berlin Wall.

Does it really bother me to see the 80s mutilated by those who haven’t lived it? Probably not … maybe a little … no, I guess not. However, it gives me something to knock the new generation of wannabes about. It is kind of neat that the identifying pop culture points of the era are being celebrated three decades after it wasn’t really all that cool the first time around. A great example of the parody is Dirt Nasty’s “Like It Was 1980.” Simon Rex, who was there, wraps up the 80s in a four minute tune about the fashion, fame, sex and drug phenom of the decade.

So, for all the 20-somethings still with me, have a little respect for an era you really weren’t part of – even if you were born in it. You own the 90s. Just like my parents told me about things I didn’t understand growing up: one day, when your kids decide to rape everything you liked about youth and adolescence, you will pick up what I’m putting down.



Dirt Nasty delivers an account on what's become the most popular decade to emulate.

Wax on ... Wax o - OUCH!

As a woman, there are certain things we don’t want: cellulite, wrinkles, small breasts and unsightly, unwanted hair. We will try anything – ANYTHING - to fix any of those problems (all of which I have by the way). Money is no object. Except for me.


I’m a self-employed, single mom, so spending cash on boobs, laser treatments or having my skin peeled back on my face is not in my budget. But waxing my nether regions, while still costing a pretty penny, is within reach of my bank account. Who doesn’t want their vagina to look like a porn star’s? I, for one, don’t much like having a 5 o’clock shadow down there. And shaving only keeps it smooth for, like, a few hours or until you get goosebumps once. How cool would it be to have the shaved look last longer? I was always looking for a better, longer lasting solution to body hair.



Back in junior high school, I learned that if you pull hair out by the root, it will grow back finer. If you do it often, eventually the hair will grow back less and less – each treatment lasting four weeks. That was what the infomercial for the Epilady said. For those of you who don’t know what an Epilady is, it’s a medieval torture device disguised as a miracle hair removal tool that anyone can use with little to no pain. It’s a Norelco shaver-like thing with a rotating coil that grabs hair and pulls as it turns, pulling the hair out in bunches. I used it for the approximate time it took to catch one clump of hair, scream, try to disentangle the hair from the device and then beg the good Lord to please make it stop and if he did I would never, ever do anything bad again. That was just one strip on my leg!



So the pain of having my hair yanked from my body was pretty distant and I was ready to try something new – the Brazilian Wax. I wanted a pretty girl part and this seemed like the perfect way to get one. I made my appointment a week ago. I was afraid the hair wouldn’t grow in enough by the time my appointment came around, but I shouldn’t have worried - Italian hair is superhuman and in another week, I would have sported a full bush. I showed up at my appointment ready and with enough to grab.



OUCH!



For anyone thinking about doing this, be prepared to show yourself to another human the way you may have only shown yourself to your boyfriend, husband or gynecologist. This is a 'front to back' procedure. You also need to know it’s gonna hurt pretty bad the first time. But if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t scream at all. Nope. My entire being did, however, want to punch itself in the face briefly. After the initial sting, that feeling passes and it's like plucking your own really hairy, sensitive eyebrows. It's also client participation: meaning, you will be asked to help hold the skin taut. Having something else to do besides anticipate the pain does help. I heard that in some cases, if they don't get all the hair, the tweezers come out to grab the strays that survived the deforestation. Not where I went. The results last from three to six weeks regardless of whether you're a hairy monster or not. Deal.



It was over quick enough, though, and my va-jay-jay was so pretty and smooth, I could give Jenna Jameson a run for her cash. And aside from a little numbness, it didn’t hurt after it was all over. Would I do it again? Bank account permitting - yes. Would I recommend it to anyone else? Absolutely. It's one of those little things that make you feel instantly prettier and girlier for a fraction of the cost of laser treatments - like a wonderbra to small boobs.